I have a fear of authority. Anyone who is in any power over me – whether it be professors, a boss, an organization president…anyone who has any sort of power over me terrifies me. It’s not the fact that they are higher than me that scares me, it’s disappointing them that scares me.

I’m a bit of a perfectionist in that I want everyone to like me and I always want to do as I’m supposed to. All my life I’ve always been the well-behaved, quiet girl who always did her homework and excelled. My fear of getting in trouble spawns back as far as I can remember.

There was one time in third grade that I forgot my homework folder at school and I couldn’t finish my assignment. I remember crying to my mom begging her to take me back so I could get it done in time, but that didn’t happen. It really hurt my heart and made me feel bad to know I let my teacher down.

I remember a few times in middle school where the crying and begging for rides back to school did follow through, and I was able to sneak in the back doors of the school after hours just to get my homework done. Most people would just say screw it at this point, but that’s not how I am. I’d beg and beg to go back to school to get my homework just to avoid any punishment that may come from not having it finished.

A lot of my fear of authority and my fear of getting in trouble falls back on the fact that I care too much. I care about my reputation and what others think of me. I care about pleasing others. I care so much that I let it drive my everyday life. I go out of my way to please everyone and to avoid getting in trouble.

While it may seem like this is a great thing because it drives me to put out the most successful work possible, it becomes a problem when you spend hours on end crying because you messed up a transaction at work. One little thing like that will knock my entire mood down because I am no longer the perfect employee. I’m the employee who forgot to do something correctly and caused a mess up. I’m no longer perfect in the eyes of those who have authority, and that makes me feel like shit about myself.

I know it shouldn’t, but it does.

A fear of heights may only bother you when you have to climb a ladder or lean over a rail on the top floor of a building. A fear of spiders may only bother you when you go to lay down in bed and see a huge spider on the wall next to your bed. A fear of public speaking may only bother you when you have to present in class.

But a fear of authority and getting in trouble follows you everywhere. In every class, every day at work, any time you’re around anyone who has any sort of power over you. This fear is one of the fears you can’t shut off. It’s constantly something I have to fight to conquer. It goes hand in hand with my depression and anxiety and can sometimes make doing just the smallest tasks unbearable.

To say the least, my fear of getting in trouble by those who have power over me is the worst, most consuming fear I experience and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. It’s impossible to avoid and it’s nearly impossible to defeat.