This Is Me Letting You Go

This Is Me Letting You Go

We had what we had, and we can't have any more.
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I told my therapist about you.

Because when I tried to hurt you like you hurt me, you didn't bat an eye. Because I can feel myself becoming a memory. Because I saw all of this coming, too, and I thought I could handle it, even though your absence caused me to stay in bed for thirty-six hours and down cheap alcohol that I couldn’t stand the taste of and kiss strangers because, as it turns out, I couldn’t.

Because I can feel myself becoming irrelevant to you, and because I am slowly realizing that I don’t know how relevant I ever was.

I think the worst thing in the world is never knowing what role you play in someone else’s life. If they only think about you when they meet someone with your name or major or hometown, or if you simply exist as a wandering thought at three in the morning, or if you never dare to leave their mind, if they feel your presence in every song and laugh and crowd. Do they miss you when you're gone? Or do they think it's ridiculous that you miss them, so much that you can feel it in your bones.

It's the worst thing to not know, especially if that person once played the starring role in the movie of your life, especially when that role should have been yours all along.

It’s becoming obvious that you were never meant to stay in my life forever. And that’s okay. I’m really, really trying to make myself understand that it is. Because what you did for me—making me feel alive, and accepted, and like I could do this—that will have changed me irrevocably and forever and through that, you will stay a part of me even long after we have both moved on.

I hope you know that I am eternally grateful for the impact you had on me. I hope you know that I was just too scared to do anything about the way I felt, but I wanted to. God, I wanted to.

And I hope she knows that she’s the luckiest girl in the world to be adored by you.

I know you don’t owe me anything. I know you’re happy. And I know that this won’t go anywhere.

We had what we had, and it was special, and life-changing, and it was enough. It has to be enough.

So this is me letting you go.

This is me promising that I’m going to stop checking up on you on social media. I’m going to stop writing about you and directing monologues at you. I’m going to stop crying about you and seeking your approval and finding excuses to stay in your life.

I’m going to stop giving you chances to prove me wrong. I’m going to stop hoping for you.

This isn’t me giving up. It’s me giving in. To the life I know I deserve. This is me giving myself a chance and believing that I am enough, that I am strong enough to face the world without you.

This is me letting you go.

At least—it’s me trying to.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Plan These 13 Dates For Your Girlfriend This Fall And Thank Me Later

Listen up, guys.

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If you are a boy and you are reading this, plan one of these dates and you'll make your girlfriend the happiest person alive. Yeah, you can thank me later.

1. Go to a pumpkin patch.

This may be super basic but who doesn't want a cute little pumpkin around Halloween time. Usually, you will take a hayride to the pumpkin patch which is always a nice time to spend together. It will also be really cute seeing how excited she gets over finding the perfect little pumpkin.

2. Go on a hayride.

If you go to a pumpkin patch you may have the opportunity to go on a hayride and you definitely should! You will get to see all around the farm and the scenery is usually beautiful in the fall with the leaves changing colors!

3. Go apple picking.

This date will always allow for a cute photo shoot opportunity and everyone will be able to see your Insta post later captioned "the apple of my eye." Also, if you love apples what better place to get them then a local farm where you pick them yourself! Make sure you check your local farm to see when your favorite apples will be ready for harvest!

4. Bake something together.

There are so many amazing recipes for fall, apple pie being one of them. Which will be the perfect thing to bake with your S.O. after apple picking (two dates in one)!

5. Go to a local festival.

No matter where you are from there are probably a ton of local festivals around you throughout the fall. Whether it is a food festival, fall fest, music festival or even a lantern festival all of them are usually a perfect date. You can experience new things together and enjoy the fall weather.

6. Go to a football game.

Whether it is high school, college, or a professional football game any football is good football in the fall. Between a fun tailgate and an exciting game, if you are into sports football is the way to go.

7. Walk or hike around a state park.

No matter where you are from there are always state parks around you! Fall is the perfect time to go on an outdoor because it's not too hot to too cold. The scenery is always beautiful with all of the leaves changing colors. If there is a lake you could always go kayaking or paddle boating!

8. Visit your local farm.

A lot of local farms have fresh veggies, apples, baked goods and of course pumpkins! Also, check and see if your local farm has any fall family days. On those days they usually have a lot of fun activities, animals, hayrides, corn mazes, pumpkins and if you're lucky they'll have amazing apple cider donuts!

9. Stay in for a cozy movie day.

With Freeform starting their 31 days of Halloween this leads to the perfect excuse for a night on the couch. Pick out your favorite Halloween movie, make some popcorn and have some warm apple cider while cuddling up on the couch.

10. Visit a haunted house.

If you are down for something a little scarier then a Halloween movie, check out a haunted house near yours. It could even be a haunted hayride or haunted corn maze.

11. Take her out to breakfast.

Girls are always down for a cute breakfast date. Especially when you can roll out of beds in your sweats and keep them on in the cozy fall weather.

12. Spend a night carving pumpkins.

Once Halloween rolls around you should grab a cheap carving supplies kit, roll up your sleeves, and carve a cute pumpkin together. Whether you write your initials or create a jack-o-lantern it will probably be full of fun memories of pulling out pumpkin guts.

13. Go to a Halloween party.

Take some time and hit up Pinterest for a super cute couples costume and eat all the candy you possibly can!

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I Asked 3 People Their Worst Heartbreaks And How They Coped

Life goes on with or without people you love and that is the most heartbreaking thing to discover.

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We all go through heartbreaks. Life isn't always going to bring people in to stay permanently and that's okay. Everyone is going to experience that pain whether it be through a friend, boyfriend, or even family member. I asked three girls their worst heartbreaks and how they dealt with them. These are their answers.

Age 19: "Back In February, I got into the biggest friendship fall out I've ever had in my life. They were all people that I thought were going to be forever friends, but it turned out our crossing paths were just temporary. I have lupus, an autoimmune disease where my immune system thinks my healthy tissues are foreign invaders and attacks them. For weeks, my lupus got pretty bad. I was always exhausted, even if I got a decent amount of sleep, my face was swollen 24/7, I wasn't eating properly.

All in all, I just wasn't happy anymore.

After the semester ended, I took summer classes here at State, and I was by myself for most of the summer. The pain was still a little fresh, but as the summer went on, and I spent a little time with myself, I relearned who I was and what made me happy. I took the time to be by myself again, and now about 7 months later, I'm happier than I've ever been."

Age Unknown: "One of my biggest heartbreaks was when I was 19 almost 20. I had fallen for this guy I worked with over the summer. He was super honest about how he wanted to date me even though we were going to different colleges.
When we went off to college he changed a lot and we basically stopped talking. That's the short version. But it was the first time I had really been in love. I listened to 'So What' by P!nk almost on repeat (haha idk it just got me pumped)
I also surrounded myself with great people and I told myself that each love gets to teach us something. And that's this one, in particular, taught me what I deserved, and it was much better than him. And when I figured that out, every day was just so much better."

Age 18: "My worst heartbreak happened to me from a guy that I met on accident but I knew when I met him he was going to be my best friend. We had our ups and downs in the beginning but we pushed and fought through it. Our relationship was everything but ordinary.. he understood me, he knew my petty side, my sassy side, but also my serious side. One day he and I were with some friends and we were all talking about makeup. My best friends boyfriend asked "what is highlighter?", and my boyfriend goes "bro it's the glitter stuff girls put on their face.". At that moment I look up laughing and the first words that come out of my mouth are " I love you" I know it's silly to say to someone over makeup but I only say that over makeup but the thing that got me was he listened to me when I explained the whole makeup thing to him. Long story short he told me loved me too and at that moment I was on cloud nine. I knew I was young but I also knew that I was happy. He told me so many things that sounded too good to a young girl like me. "Oh, my mom will love you." " I can't wait for you to meet my mom." "My friends are going to love you." "I can't wait to build a future with you.". Now here's the gut-wrenching part he told me those amazing things throughout the month of August and the beginning of September. September 10, 2018, was amazing we went to the mall and it was just a normal day. He'd look at me and say "I love you " and then would kiss me on my forehead. Everything was normal... he broke up with me September 11, 2018, because he wanted to enjoy his twenties, make money and get laid. (Need I remind you this is all over text). I've never felt so broken by a guy before. I know that sounds so cliche and dumb because I am so young but hearing those words makes a girl my age wonder where she went wrong and makes her wonder why she wasn't good enough. Now (because it happened just a few days ago) I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it but I do know that I'm not going to let a guy needs compromise who I am and my morals as a woman."

"Things will get better., may not seem like it, but God breaks you down so he can build you into something better." -Kelly Weddle (an amazing writer here at the Odyssey at MS State)

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