This Is Me Letting You Go

This Is Me Letting You Go

We had what we had, and we can't have any more.

I told my therapist about you.

Because when I tried to hurt you like you hurt me, you didn't bat an eye. Because I can feel myself becoming a memory. Because I saw all of this coming, too, and I thought I could handle it, even though your absence caused me to stay in bed for thirty-six hours and down cheap alcohol that I couldn’t stand the taste of and kiss strangers because, as it turns out, I couldn’t.

Because I can feel myself becoming irrelevant to you, and because I am slowly realizing that I don’t know how relevant I ever was.

I think the worst thing in the world is never knowing what role you play in someone else’s life. If they only think about you when they meet someone with your name or major or hometown, or if you simply exist as a wandering thought at three in the morning, or if you never dare to leave their mind, if they feel your presence in every song and laugh and crowd. Do they miss you when you're gone? Or do they think it's ridiculous that you miss them, so much that you can feel it in your bones.

It's the worst thing to not know, especially if that person once played the starring role in the movie of your life, especially when that role should have been yours all along.

It’s becoming obvious that you were never meant to stay in my life forever. And that’s okay. I’m really, really trying to make myself understand that it is. Because what you did for me—making me feel alive, and accepted, and like I could do this—that will have changed me irrevocably and forever and through that, you will stay a part of me even long after we have both moved on.

I hope you know that I am eternally grateful for the impact you had on me. I hope you know that I was just too scared to do anything about the way I felt, but I wanted to. God, I wanted to.

And I hope she knows that she’s the luckiest girl in the world to be adored by you.

I know you don’t owe me anything. I know you’re happy. And I know that this won’t go anywhere.

We had what we had, and it was special, and life-changing, and it was enough. It has to be enough.

So this is me letting you go.

This is me promising that I’m going to stop checking up on you on social media. I’m going to stop writing about you and directing monologues at you. I’m going to stop crying about you and seeking your approval and finding excuses to stay in your life.

I’m going to stop giving you chances to prove me wrong. I’m going to stop hoping for you.

This isn’t me giving up. It’s me giving in. To the life I know I deserve. This is me giving myself a chance and believing that I am enough, that I am strong enough to face the world without you.

This is me letting you go.

At least—it’s me trying to.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Why Girls Love The Dad Bod

If your man can rock the dad bod, he's a keeper.


In case you haven't noticed lately, girls are all about that dad bod.

Girls have been dealing with body image issues since the beginning of time until recent (for those of you who consider yourselves to be "Thick thin") I hadn't heard about this body type until my roommate mentioned it. She used to be crazy over guys she claimed had the dad bod.

After observing the guys she found attractive, I came to understand this body type well and was able to identify it. The dad bod is a nice balance between a beer gut and working out. The dad bod says, "I go to the gym occasionally, but I also drink heavily on the weekends and enjoy eating eight slices of pizza at a time." It's not an overweight guy, but it isn't one with washboard abs, either.

The dad bod is a new trend and fraternity boys everywhere seem to be rejoicing. Turns out skipping the gym for a few brews last Thursday after class turned out to be in their favor. While we all love a sculpted guy, there is just something about the dad bod that makes boys seem more human, natural, and attractive. Here are a few reasons that girls are crazy about the dad bod.

It doesn't intimidate us.
Few things are worse than taking a picture in a bathing suit, one being taking a picture in a bathing suit with a guy who is crazy fit. We don't want a guy that makes us feel insecure about our body. We are insecure enough as it is. We don't need a perfectly sculpted guy standing next to us to make us feel worse.

SEE ALSO: Slim Thick Is The New Thin

We like being the pretty one.
We love people saying "they look cute together." But we still like being the center of attention. We want to look skinny and the bigger the guy, the smaller we feel and the better we look next to you in a picture.

Better cuddling.
No one wants to cuddle with a rock. Or Edward Cullen. The end.

Good eats.
The dad bod says he doesn't meal prep every Sunday night so if you want to go to Taco Tuesday or $4 pitcher Wednesday, he'd be totally down. He's not scared of a cheat meal because he eats just about anything and everything.

You know what you're getting.
Girls tend to picture their future together with their guys early on. Therefore, if he already has the dad bod going on, we can get used to it before we date him, marry him, have three kids. We know what we are getting into when he's got the same exact body type at the age of 22 that he's going to have at 45.

So there you go. A simple break down of why girls everywhere are going nuts over this body type on males. We like it. We love it. We want some more of it. So here's to you dad bods, keep it up. Men, confidently strut that gut on the beach because while you stare at us in our bikinis we will be staring just as hard.

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Moments Turned to Rubble: A Glimpse Inside The Struggle Of Moving On

I no longer have the option to look back.

*Disclaimer: This is a slightly more emotional post, but there is still a take away for everyone! Also if by any means this comes off to anyone as sob story seeming to seek attention, that was not my intention whatsoever; I only wanted to share my thoughts.

I don't usually get this vulnerable, or at least I try not to. I don't really talk about this much with people I don't know well, and most of all I try not to talk about this because I am afraid that someone will misinterpret my past and current feelings with how I am trying to help myself cope and move past my own mental roadblocks I've created.

If you would have asked me eight months ago if I was truly ready to enter a new relationship, if I had fully moved on, I would have told you no. Six months, no. Four, no. Two… yes. Finally – if I had to approximate – two months ago is when I had realized that I no longer looked back at the past like I had tried so hard not to do for a very long time. I'm not going to dive into the details, because they will always be very private for myself; however, I did want to share something with you.

We all have our different formulas for subscriptions on YouTube. Some of us are makeup, video games, travel adventures, life chats, news, gossip, and the list goes on and on. One of the channels I'm subscribed to, Kalyn Nicholson, a lifestyle channel, had much to say about moving on in her latest video "How To Let Go Of Toxic Things." Although, I believe the point I'm going to elaborate on can be applied to moving on in general, whether it was toxic or not.

With my internship this summer, I drive by the desolate campus day by day and watch as small changes occur. I believe it was several years ago that a large dorm complex on campus was closed partially due to mold, although the other half of the dorm not mold infested was kept open. This past year it was finally fully shut down, and they have spent the last several weeks demolishing it.

They began by tearing down the mold infested portion of the building, and driving past I was so glad to finally see the building being torn down. I foresaw the physical place that had some of my most emotional memories disappearing before my very own eyes. Today when I drove past, I realized that the entire building was finally torn apart, including a room I had known. It was then that I grasped how "gone" it all really was.

Kalyn Nicholson talked about in one of her steps of "How To Let Go Of Toxic Things" how to tangibly rid yourself of the memories. That may mean a new bedspread from the one you once shared, significant photos, or a stuffed animal they had given you. It's different for everyone. Looking over the crumpled bones of the building out my Nissan window, I realized that although we can easily rid ourselves of the objects (and yes, I am very aware that that is still easier said than done) it is rare that the place will disappear. The Waffle House where you ate at 4 am. The pond where you laid out in the sun before being thrown in the water. The dorm where you hid under the covers when everything was still your little secret.

When the light turned green and I continued on my way, I remembered back to earlier this week when I had been meditating on my front porch with my journal open. It was at night, and there was a good breeze. I heard pages beginning to ruffle, and I looked down to see that letters and a photo that had been stuck in the journal way back were flittering across the yard. I jumped up and ran to pick them up but when coming back to my towel on the concrete had realized the photograph was missing because it always made a noticeable gap in the pages. I searched the ground that night and again the next morning but never found the photo.

Maybe it was some uncontrollable force trying to tell me that although it had known I had finally been through it all that it wouldn't allow me to look back even if I tried. The past is never fully erased because the most passionate and impactful memories can never be forgotten; however perhaps by letting go of the tangible memories can we make room for new ones. We may no longer have their blue button-down, but it can make room for our pastel blouse that will always be our own.

The one thing I hope this concept does not do is to close you off from sharing your own special belongings and places. It is a very vulnerable state to share the objects and places that hold a high importance and safety net in your life, but if we never open up those gaps and spaces then we will never truly connect with someone else as deeply as we want to and as much as required to truly love without the fear of them someday walking away.

You can never erase the ground you've walked on, but if you are unable to walk away from it you can always bring a new memory to it of your own. Although the room may be gone, the ground where it stood still remains. Although I may no longer listen to an album, it will always exist. There are always circumstances and occurrences that I cannot control, but for the ones that I can, I can help myself walk down my own road of recovery into a new happiness with someone else. I finally think I'm ready for that.


Cover Image Credit:

Isaiah Vazquez / BGSU Marketing and Communications

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