This Is Me Letting You Go

This Is Me Letting You Go

We had what we had, and we can't have any more.

I told my therapist about you.

Because when I tried to hurt you like you hurt me, you didn't bat an eye. Because I can feel myself becoming a memory. Because I saw all of this coming, too, and I thought I could handle it, even though your absence caused me to stay in bed for thirty-six hours and down cheap alcohol that I couldn’t stand the taste of and kiss strangers because, as it turns out, I couldn’t.

Because I can feel myself becoming irrelevant to you, and because I am slowly realizing that I don’t know how relevant I ever was.

I think the worst thing in the world is never knowing what role you play in someone else’s life. If they only think about you when they meet someone with your name or major or hometown, or if you simply exist as a wandering thought at three in the morning, or if you never dare to leave their mind, if they feel your presence in every song and laugh and crowd. Do they miss you when you're gone? Or do they think it's ridiculous that you miss them, so much that you can feel it in your bones.

It's the worst thing to not know, especially if that person once played the starring role in the movie of your life, especially when that role should have been yours all along.

It’s becoming obvious that you were never meant to stay in my life forever. And that’s okay. I’m really, really trying to make myself understand that it is. Because what you did for me—making me feel alive, and accepted, and like I could do this—that will have changed me irrevocably and forever and through that, you will stay a part of me even long after we have both moved on.

I hope you know that I am eternally grateful for the impact you had on me. I hope you know that I was just too scared to do anything about the way I felt, but I wanted to. God, I wanted to.

And I hope she knows that she’s the luckiest girl in the world to be adored by you.

I know you don’t owe me anything. I know you’re happy. And I know that this won’t go anywhere.

We had what we had, and it was special, and life-changing, and it was enough. It has to be enough.

So this is me letting you go.

This is me promising that I’m going to stop checking up on you on social media. I’m going to stop writing about you and directing monologues at you. I’m going to stop crying about you and seeking your approval and finding excuses to stay in your life.

I’m going to stop giving you chances to prove me wrong. I’m going to stop hoping for you.

This isn’t me giving up. It’s me giving in. To the life I know I deserve. This is me giving myself a chance and believing that I am enough, that I am strong enough to face the world without you.

This is me letting you go.

At least—it’s me trying to.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Yeah, You Just Got Done With A Break-Up, But That Doesn't Mean You're Broken

There is a fine line between outward happiness and feeling whole.

There is a fine line between outward happiness and feeling whole.

Anyone can put on a face, laugh and try to engage, but it is what happens behind closed doors when you find yourself alone and crying yourself to sleep for the ninth time in a row that you realize something is missing...

Sure, you can talk the talk. You can try to be there for other people, and maybe if you just pretend you're fine eventually, you will be. But somewhere along the line, you won't be able to take it anymore.

And this is where I have found myself. Me -- the happy, positive girl's girl who can talk to anyone. The girl who tries to make others feel good about themselves and always puts others first.

In the last three months, I have learned a lot about myself, however, it would be hard to explain what I learned, and how I learned it, without sharing a complex part of my past.

I am a proud 3-year eating disorder survivor. Though I still cope with body dysmorphia, I am in a much better headspace than I was several years ago. However, several years ago is when a 6'1" turning point in my life literally marched through the door.

Let's call him "Ethan." He was the cutest guy in the Macy's Great American Marching Band 2014. As a band geek, he struggled a tad with talking to women, but we quickly became good friends and he ended up taking me to my senior prom. After several months of long-distance flirting, we decided to make it official. "Ethan" quickly became my entire life. His family treated me like one of their own, and to this day, they are amazing people.

But "Ethan" and I had problems. We couldn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, and we soon began to drift apart. Now, there was a lot of pressure for "Ethan" to be the one -- an entire future was planned out, but as we slowly evolved into different people, it became clear that we were not the fairytale we believed we were.

We broke up a few months short of our second anniversary. At first, things were great between us. Of course, we were sad, but we believed we needed time apart. But as seasons pass and years roll, it got ugly from both sides -- to the point that this once peppy, happy girl felt empty, depressed.

I tried to seek happiness in many different paths throughout my life-- work, possessions, school, friends -- but I always felt like I wasn't whole. There was something missing and I needed to find it.

That was until I found myself in Marketing 3000. We had been discussing happiness, in terms of consumer behavior, with my somewhat whacky professor who jokes a lot about meth, and that's when it all clicked.

The secret to happiness does not lie in material things -- and happiness does not equal success.

Happiness involves four pillars: relationships with others, relationships with your work environment, relationships with your family and, most importantly, the relationship with yourself.

Luckily, I've always had three of the four, but when my world came crashing down three months ago, I lost myself. I believed I was broken and I would never be okay again.

As the brilliant Stevie Nicks once said, "I've been afraid of changes because I built my life around you." When you lose that foundation, it's hard to get out of the rubble and begin to rebuild on your own. But I am not broken anymore, in fact, I never was.

I think the hardest part about break-ups is the feeling that you will inevitably never find someone who understands you and loves you ever again. You might even be having a lot of self-doubts, but you are not broken. You are strong, you are valued and you will get better in time.

Breakups suck. They are like losing a part of you, but the truth is, you had a life before them, you had a life with them and you will have a life after them.

Stay strong.

Cover Image Credit: Amy Hanks

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How To ACTUALLY Lose A Guy In 10 Days In 2018

The more realistic version of the movie, updated for this year's technology.

(Disclaimer: This is a satire so please don't take it seriously, thanks! Also, feel free to insert whatever gender or pronoun fits you best, this is just from my perspective.)

I've always loved the movie, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." However, if you've seen the absolute classic starring the one and only, Kate Hudson, alongside dreamy Matthew McConaughey, then you know that the plot is kind of whack. Let me set the scene for you—a columnist sets out to catch and then scare off a guy in the span of ten days, and her strategies fall nothing short of odd, to say the least. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to lay out for you the real ways that you can send him packing.

Day 1: Draw him in

This is the one thing that I agree with in the film, you can't get rid of him if you haven't gotten him yet, right? You can accomplish this in a variety of ways, whatever fits your style. This is the easy part, trust me.

Day 2: Ghost him a little bit

This is where the dirty work really starts. Every advice column under the sun tells girls to not be too clingy to keep a guy, but I have to disagree. It will definitely hurt his precious ego that every minute of your day is not spent thinking about him.

Day 3: Make him share his location

This will at least make him take a step back, it's day three and you need to know where he is at all times? Guys don't like to be ignored, but they also hate too much attention. They also don't know how to make up their minds.

Day 4: Refuse to share your location with him

Guys love double standards until they're caught on the wrong end of one. It will teach him a lesson, for sure.

Day 5: Suddenly share all of the same interests

Genuine common interests are great, but that's only because they're genuine. If you pretend to be someone you're not, he'll see right through it. And he won't be impressed.

Day 6: Stop showering

Save a little dough on shampoo, and advance your diabolical plan in the process.

Day 7: Refuse to hang out with his friends

A guy's friends are like an extension of himself. Saying you hate them is like saying you hate a little part of him, too.

Day 8: Take him shopping

A day at the mall with your guy will be a true test of his strength. Stop in as many Victoria's Secret's, Bath and Body Work's and Sephora's that you can find. And make sure there is absolutely no bench for him to sit on and wait.

Day 9: Spoil the ending

Any movie or TV show that he hasn't finished will do. This could very well be the last straw, you're doing good.

Day 10: Have a karaoke battle to "You're So Vain" and break up at a fancy gala

O.K. this is straight from the movie, but you can just change the ending by actually leaving him in the dust.

Cover Image Credit: Instagram

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