So many people today use "depression" as an excuse for many things. To get out of assignments, friendly outings, dorms, to get animals, etc. They think they could use this as easy as the old, "My dog ate my homework" line, but it all reality, they have no idea what it's like. In fact, if they actually had severe depression, they wouldn't want to talk about it.
So, I'm here to tell you what exactly it's like for me to carry around my depression from day to day.
1. I'm always tired.
Yes, I get enough sleep. Yes, I eat enough. When your brain and emotions are sucking the life out of you 24/7, it makes you feel like you haven't slept for a week straight. I constantly say "Oh my gosh, I'm so tired." or "Oh, I need to sit down." I constantly want to sleep, and when I get to, I could sleep for 13 hours straight. But then I have to convince myself that I smell so I can get myself out of bed. I miss out on important events or gatherings because I can't gather the energy to leave the house.
2. Everyone hates me.
Or that's what my brain tells me all day long. I even have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 1/2 years, but it doesn't stop the fear that he's only with me still because he pities me. I'm in a sorority, but I feel like I'm only the outcast and none of the other girls want to be my friend, would ever vote me in an office, or even care if I left. I feel like my incredible work team secretly wishes I would quit or leave because they can't stand my personality.
With all the "friend" groups I've ever had, I felt like I was always the "weird" one, the one they only kept around because I could never say no. I never get invited anywhere but never invite myself because of fear that they would spit it out that they don't like me nor want me around. So many people will say "All you have to do is ask for help" but when you fear that the person that would help you could care less about you, it makes it difficult to ask.
I know all of these might be false, but it doesn't stop my brain from saying it to me.
3. All I feel is an utter emptiness.
Some people get this incredible feeling that their life has a path or a purpose. They have many friends who surround them and support them. They have the means of making it far in life. But for me? I feel like anywhere I get in life is through my name, my family or pity. I feel like I have no purpose here, more or less an ant in the world of giants. A box full of meaningless dreams I could never accomplish. And that creates pits of emptiness deep in my heart that's difficult to shake. I feel like depression will defeat me.
4. Trying to be someone else.
I've learned how to do flawless makeup and hair, even made a career of it. I can spend hours getting ready, boasting myself up, but yet seeing myself as the ugliest woman on earth. I buy "trendy" clothing thinking it would make me fit in, but in reality, I can't wear half of it because I gain so much weight. I sometimes act out in ways to get attention, but really that only gains me stares that say "Who is this psycho?" I post endless pictures on the internet thinking that the world will see me as popular, having so many true friends, and a happy girl. All the while I'm actually soaking a pillow in tears every night because I'll never actually fit in.
Depression is an illness, one that others should not make excuses from. I've learned to deal with mine and learned how to live with it. My depression is swift, harsh and unbearable at times. But, I remind myself that I'm alive and I have the power to overcome it.
