I find myself often thinking back to this vivid memory in the second grade where our teachers asked us to name three things we’d want for ourselves in ten years and then in twenty years and I remember thinking back to my wanting a cell phone, a vehicle and a boyfriend. I also vividly remember one of my classmates saying she wanted to be married with a baby much to my surprise. I find myself thinking back to the little girl who had a big dream of a cell phone at sixteen. I had a cell phone at 10 (nothing out of this world) and a car at 17 because I was too lazy to learn to drive.
When I think back to that little girl I wonder if she would be proud of me now. That little girl used to pray to God for best friend and cry herself to sleep at the thought of losing her mom, the little girl who used to feel like a joke oftentimes because she wasn’t good at math and her hair wasn’t straight and she wasn’t as tall, skinny or blonde as her peers. That same little girl was happy, she laughed every single day and she knew what it was to be loved unconditionally. She’d get in trouble for laughing too much, and writing when she wasn’t supposed, she also wasn’t worried about making straight A’s because 1) she was 7 and 2) she knew she was loved regardless.
Twelve years later, I passed sixteen and I am still that little girl. I have an upgrade from a cell phone: a smartphone that I can’t imagine life without (pathetically) a vehicle that was definitely worth dreaming about because I cannot imagine not being mobile and have yet to find a boy I deem worthy of my vulnerability and life will go on.
I would tell her that she’s beautiful, in a way that’s different than her peers, I would tell her that words will set her free and allow her to articulate and communicate in a way beyond her understanding and that someday she would be understood. I would tell her that she is stronger than she could ever imagine and that she is resilient. She would ask me what resilient meant and I would tell her she’d know when she became it. I’d tell her that I was proud of her and that someday she would have a handful of phenomenal friends who all love her and she loves. That she will make it through math good or bad and that would be the end of it and to pay attention to detail, to love unconditionally, be present and to remember to laugh, always.
When I think back to that little girl I think of how small her world is and how grateful I am that her eyes have been opened to the universe. When I think back to that little girl I decide that she would be content with herself twelve years down the road because she’s confident, and healthy, and happy and strong, because she values relationships and education and made smart choices. She’d be happy that she still laughs and reads and writes everyday that she better shares that love she’s given.
I may not be now where I once imagined I would be at this point in my life, that being said I am content with my life. I believe the same could be said twelve years from now but I won’t know until I get there. Each and every day I am constantly reminding myself not to be so hard and critical of myself. I am blessed, I struggle but thankfully, I am healthy, capable and hopeful for the future and grateful for the present. If there is one thing that I am happy that seven year old me maintained it would be that.
