1.) "Kill em' with the sandwich!"

2.) "It's like saying 'It's okay, Donald Trump's only our president'!"

3.) "We just slap it with the absolute value sign!"

4.) "I saw something the other day about how humans are walking cucumbers with anxiety."

5.) "I don't get any money for it so I don't care."

6.) "We aren't going to talk about Riemann sums. You know why? Mathematicians are lazy."

7.) "At least it doesn't have a delta."

8.) *Student screams outside of the classroom* "That's how I feel."

9.) "And then I decided to sacrifice it's body for science!"

10.) "They're math majors, they deserve it."

11.) "The author puts the hardest theorems first. Maybe it's to scare the students from reading the rest of the section."

12.) "What are the applications of all these theorems?" "Oh you just wait. You just wait until Friday's lecture."

13.) "Not series, but it's still not good."

14.) "Let's tell Maple: bad Maple."

15.) "Once again I had to be stern. Once I get tough with Maple, Maple gets it."

16.) "I'm afraid students won't be able to know counter clockwise and clockwise when they replace clocks with digital clocks. I won't be able to explain it. It'll be time to retire."

17.) "The answer is 'because I say so.'"

18.) "I think we may have fooled Maple."

19.) "Probably a prank call."

20.) "We got five minutes, plenty of time to torture the students more."

21.) "I hear those sighs of pleasure. I'm wrong about it? That's sad."

22.) "Because I tell you to."

23.) "Don't worry, if you don't know it you don't need it."

24.) Student: "Shouldn't that 56 be a 525?"

Professor: *Taken aback* "No!"

*a minute and some laughter later* "I hear too many 'yes's."

25.) "It's an anesthetized elephant and I want you to get it going at 20 miles per hour."

26.) "I'm gonna put you and an anesthetized elephant in a room and release a bunch of wolves high on angel dust." (In order to show which has an easier time getting up to a certain velocity).

27.) "What do you call a moose and his wife? Mooster and Mrs. Smith."

28.) "It's always the drugs."

29.) "If someone wishes you a good afternoon, you wish them one back whether it is or not."

30.) "The spider is trying to get me."

31.) "We know that accurately because we can google it."

32.) "And if you're lucky enough, it'll explode!"

33.) "How would you like to be cooked in 96% sulfuric acid at 160 degrees Celsius? You'd look like the bottom of a Worcester bus too."

34.) "Is someone calling? No, just sneezing."