“I would say that my mother is the single biggest role model in my life, but that term doesn’t seem to encompass enough when I use it about her. She was the love of my life.”

-Mindy Kaling

1. The most impactful lessons you have taught were never spoken, only observed.

I watched you carefully choose Sunday morning outfits for church, glittering shoes and purse to match. I watched you hurriedly polish your toenails, shouting instructions to the household from your bedroom. I remember how you made every small purchase from the local store feel luxurious and brand new, no matter if it was second-hand. That was magical to me.

2. You are more than your utility to others.

Your function is not your purpose, so find a reason beyond serving to exist. I know the meek inherit the earth but that scripture is read at funerals and endings. You have so many beginnings to look forward to, to inherit now.

3. The most beautiful parts of life do not have to begin with pain.

Childbirth is unbearably painful but love should not be. God makes beautiful things and doesn’t balance its beauty with a burden to bear. I want a love for you that feels like air, filling and light. I want the ease of it to wash over you and make you feel refreshed.

4. You deserve everything but it is not enough.

The world has so much to offer but you deserve more than what I can fashion in my mind to give you.

5. He was not strong enough to keep you, so he lost you.

He will live his life regretting it.

6. I am sorry.

I am sorry for doing what you hoped I wouldn’t. I am sorry for the words I hid in my heart but could never say to you. I am sorry for not being all that I could be. I might have let you down. Despite this, I know your love is unconditional and I am undeserving. This will never change.

7. Before you were a mother, an elementary school teacher or a Christian wife you were simply Bridgett.

I want to meet this woman, your younger self. How do her hips sway and her hair curl? Were your eyes as lively as they are now? I always wonder if we would be similar in any way, kindred spirits even.

8. My children will know what it is like to live with you.

I consider it character building.

9. They are as part of you as they are me.

I thank God for the lips you gave me, the nose I stole from you, and the heart to rival yours. The older I get the harder it is to distinguish the parts of me I inherited and the parts I learned. I inherited your unwavering loyalty and copied your love for literature.

10. I had a dream that I never shared.

And you were the star. In this dream a woman, not much older than myself, throws a holiday party. In some modest house between rows of suburban homes, a crowd gathers. Men, women and children in knitted Christmas sweaters are merry, eyes shining brightly with laughter. A woman, more seasoned than yourself, fusses over pasta salad and poorly made Christmas cookies. She is quickly shooed out of the kitchen by her oldest son, leading her into the living room. A Christmas tree wrapped in silver tinsel and twinkling lights is the main attraction.

The guests slowly file into the living room, where you take a worn bible from the mantle. I can tell by your eyes that this was your intention all along. You flip the pages quickly, landing on a single page. Before reading the story of Jesus’ birth, you glance at your audience. Among them are your children and their children, distant relatives and their friends. In this moment you feel the warmth radiating from them – you are loved so dearly.