Things Single Girls Do On Valentine’s Day That Are Literally Psychotic

Valentine’s Day can be difficult on us single ladies, but please don’t make an idiot of yourself. You might think chugging a bottle of wine will make your sorrowful single life feel slightly better on Cupid’s holiday, but in the end you’ll probably end up turning into one of these psychos searching for your revenge on your long list of ex-lovers.

Don’t be:

The girl stabbing a cake. Taylor Swift might look hot AF in her Blank Space video when she symbolically stabs the cake, but she’s Taylor Swift. She’s allowed to be crazy. You, on the other hand, are letting a perfectly good cake go to waste. Marie Antoinette would be so disappointed in you.

The girl eating her feelings. You’re not dating Ben or Jerry. Papa John’s isn’t your Papi. And you can’t actually make out with a hotdog despite what the Burn Book says. Stop.

The girl who yells at couples in public places. It’s understandable that seeing couples all around makes you resent them for their puppy love. Seeing lovers holding hands and gazing romantically into each others' eyes may get on your nerves or even make you physically vom. However, it’s best to be more passive aggressive than outright tell them how you feel.

Say you’re at a bakery and there’s a couple in line behind you, giggling and grossing you out nonstop. Rather than turn around and tell them how you truly feel (“WE GET IT YOU’RE IN LOVE NOW GET A ROOM!”), try to listen in on what they decide to order, and then buy ALL of those pastries so their day is just a little less perfect.

The girl who spends all day crying in the bridal shop. If the mascara running down your cheeks gets any closer to the sweetheart neckline of that Vera Wang dress that you just HAD to try on, you’re going to give the sales clerk a heart attack. 

The girl dragged out of the cat store. Pre-naming all of the cats in the store is not the same as accepting your life as a single lady. You need to wait until you’re at least 30 to bring an innocent being into your miserable life.

The girl who gets drunk alone and cries at the bar. Don’t drink alone—give the bartender a break. Just because he occasionally gives you free drinks and listens to some of your sob stories doesn’t mean he’s your new BFF. Instead of confiding to the bartender, find a random person who will feel bad for you and buy you more drinks. #winning

The girl who decides to learn to knit. You have 364 other days in the year to try to acquire this skill. Being inspired to get crafty is never a bad thing. However, if you decide to start knitting on “Single’s Awareness Day,” you’re sending yourself down the road less traveled—but that road is cold, dark, and leads to nothing but regret.

If you do end up turning up and turning crazy, put on some red lipstick and embrace your inner T. Swift! Happy Valentine’s Day!