All winter, we see the pictures: girls pressing heart shaped stickers over the lines of their bikini bottoms to leave a little sun tattoo on their hips, boys toasted an even, warm brown, white sand contrasting against tanned feet. All winter, we huddle in our sweaters and scarves and dream of the warmth of the sun. And all winter, we of the translucently pale skin think, if you can do that, why can't we?
The first day of our vacations, we venture out, optimistic, cautious. Like a newborn baby bird, ready to spread its wings. We think to ourselves, maybe this is the year. Maybe this is the year our skin cells will realize we need some help. And each year we are consistently, unabashedly and absolutely disappointed. These are our struggles.
1. Sunscreen. All the sunscreen.
I don't care how fun you make the little cartoon on the front of the bottle, Bullfrog. I don't care how many pictures of the sun you plaster onto this label. That doesn't mean it doesn't feel like I'm being caressed by the unforgiving hand of some Arctic god.
2. Being the Casper in the beach picture.
That picture we all just took in midair, jumping over the rolling tide? I'm wondering if you all just wanted me there to make you look tanner.
3. Risking everyone's eyes
I'm like the sun, but not in the good way. I'm like the sun in the don't-look-at-me-without-sunglasses-or-you-might-go-blind way.
4. Reminding everyone that you can still be sunburned even if there's shade.
Nothing can save me, I promise. No, it really doesn't matter that it's cloudy outside. Yes, I do actually still need to put sunscreen on.
5. Telling everybody at least once that tanning only became fashionable in the '50s.
We're not proud of it, yet we're going to remind you all at least twice a day that 100 years ago, we were fashionable.
5. The inevitable sunburn
All we wanted was to not look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy for a few months. Yet here we are, gingerly removing our clothes, wincing when the lukewarm shower water hits us. Slap on some floaties and we could pose as a buoy.
And so as the summer begins and the summer tan selfies start rolling in with the waves, I wave an Aloe Vera leaf of solidarity to all my untanned, translucent brethren. Stay cool, my friends. And stay in the shade. Even though it won't help.
