Before I even knew my family story, the one where the man I call my father is actually my step-father, you know, since the blood related one couldn't step up; I rarely kept people close to me.
Friendships faded easily for me. I have never had a solid ‘grown up’ relationship. I don't chase people. I have no problem walking away. My therapist called it ‘Fight or Flight.’ But, I just think it's easier to leave than being left.
You could say I was predisposed to having trust issues before I even knew I had them. Since finding out about the family aspect, my friends and I still joke all the time that I have daddy issues, because I don't trust anyone. But I've come to realize I don't want to give the other half of my DNA that satisfaction. I don't have daddy issues; I have trust issues.
Especially in today's society, we have become lazy when it comes to anytime of relationship: friendships or dating. We leave before we are left. I can almost guarantee that you have done it yourself.
Oftentimes the outcome isn’t completely negative. It’s not a bad thing to realize you have outgrown people. We all evolve and change as we grow older. We’re not going to always have the same things in common with the friends we made at ten years old. That’s life; it moves on. However, I have come to realize that just because someone might be gone down the road, shouldn’t discredit the time you could have with them in the present.
When my friends have gone through break-ups I’ve always just said, there will be someone else. As you could have guessed, this might possibly be where my lack of relationship experience stems from. I’ve never seen the point in sulking in heartbreak because it’s a fact that someone else will walk into your life soon. But, that also, is no way to live. Heartbreak builds character. Walking around too tough to get hurt is cowardly. So I guess I’m telling you I’ve been a coward.
Now don’t get it twisted, I’ve been hurt plenty of times. But every time, it was because I thought the individuals were genuine and deserved to be trusted. One time too many, I gave that position to the wrong ones.
I have had anxiety issues for quite some time; thankfully, they are finally being addressed 23-years later. One thing that gets me extremely anxious is the idea that the ones I love will leave me; not by death, by choice. I can’t tell you how many breakdowns I’ve had confessing the amount of care I have in my heart for those close to me. While it’s wonderful and sweet to tell people you care about them, you can’t make them feel like you will fall apart if they have a problem with you or physically leave, such as moving.
At the end of the day, we all leave.
Hometowns. High school. College. Adulthood. Through life.
We make our own way. We die.
We can’t be afraid of being hurt. It’s something you have to work through, but letting your past experiences influence your current situations will only create a toxic environment for everyone. I have finally decided that even though I might have been more inclined to these trust issues than the next person, but we all have them. I masked them as daddy issues for awhile because it was a good joke. But I’m moving on from that too. That situation might have jump started the idea, but it won’t end it. They aren’t daddy issues. They’re trust issues; we all have them.