There’s an expectation that surrounds the LGBTQ community that if you’re a part of it, at some point in your life you’re going to “come out of the closet”. That is -- you’re going to make an announcement so that people will officially know that you are not heterosexual, or that you’re not cisgender, or perhaps it’s a combination of the two. For some people it can be a liberating experience, and for others it seems like an anxiety-inducing, and even dangerous task depending on what your current situation is like.
People tend to view being “out” as an all-or-nothing sort of endeavor, but that’s not the case either. Sometimes just your closest friends know, sometimes only one or two members of your family know, and still other times perhaps it’s just your significant other who knows. But there are many different layers to it. For me personally, only a handful of my closest friends knew for the longest time; and still to this day my sexuality isn’t something that I talk about with a majority of my family. It’s not because I’m ashamed; but because it’s not what is best for me at this point in my life, and there is nothing wrong with that. I can talk casually about my sexuality, and am more than open to joking about it with those who know, but not everyone has that luxury. And, for the most part, I've never really made an all-out declaration about it. Again, it had nothing to do with shame, but that just didn’t seem to be something that I needed to do for me.
I’m surrounded mostly by people who aren’t homophobic, and that makes it so much easier to be happy and comfortable with myself and who I am. But the current climate in today’s society is one that is rather extreme. It's filled with people who are huge allies to the LGBTQ community, and then the other part is made up of people who think we need to be “shocked straight”. It’s a climate of pride versus homophobia and transphobia. People honestly need to be more cognizant of when they start to wonder why some people haven’t come out of the closet yet, or why it took someone so long to come out.
Coming out is viewed as a rite of passage by a lot of people both in and outside the LGBTQ community. But there are a couple things that should be discussed in light of that. First off, it isn’t mandatory that someone comes out. Some people will go about their lives without a formal or informal coming out announcement, because they don’t believe that it is something that needs to be announced and discussed at length. That belief is perfectly valid; and I applaud people who are confidently going about their lives without letting others make them feel as though they are so different, that they need to announce and explain themselves. Secondly, even if someone does have a coming out announcement, it’s not a one-time thing. Even if you come out to your family at dinner, or your friends at the lunch table, or post something on your social media accounts, it doesn’t mean that the whole world now knows. As you continue to go through life and meet new people, the process begins itself again. The more time that goes on, the less of a process it becomes.
Lastly, not everyone is able to come out. Not everyone is able to talk openly with their friends or families about their gender or sexuality. People who think that coming out is the only large milestone in someone’s gay-ness isn’t taking into account that for some people, their sexuality would put them in danger -- it would get them kicked out of their home, or physically abused. Being “in the closet”, meaning, feeling like you can’t talk to anyone about your sexuality isn’t fun. If someone is purposely hiding that part of themselves from a large number of people in their life, it’s because of self-preservation, not because the closet is a fun place. If you grow up in a family that’s homophobic, or have friends that have made transphobic comments in the past, it’s difficult to try and rationalize what good could result from coming out. Because even if they say that they love you and support you (and they damn well should), you still have to live with the knowledge of all the toxic and hateful things they’ve said in the past. So let me say it again: not everyone is able to come out.
There are a lot of layers surrounding the culture of “coming out”. For those in the LGBTQ community who make their social media posts, or announce it to their friends or family, I support you. If it makes you feel validated and free to set the record not-so-straight, I’m here for that, and I hope that you are received with support and open arms because you deserve it. For those of you who don’t feel the need to come out because you don’t think that just because you love or exist differently you should have to announce it, I’m happy for you. I hope you continue to carry yourself confidently and unapologetically through this life, because, in the words of Dr. Seuss, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” For everyone in the LGBTQ community who can’t be open about who they are because it would put them in danger, I’m sending nothing but love and support your way. May you make it through this part of your life to a better one where you don’t feel as though you’re in danger. I hope the world gets better for you so you no longer have to deny who you are.
It’s a big world out there, and there are so many things to worry about, but being comfortable with who you are and who you love shouldn’t fall into that category. My hope is that one day there won’t be a need to have to fear telling other people that we aren’t heterosexual, or that we aren’t cisgender. The world is evolving slowly, and I just hope that one day people will be able to be who they are and love who they love without the immense pressure to try and explain themselves. I hope one day it won’t seem so foreign. Until then, we just need t keep supporting each other and moving onward.
