Recently, I was surfing the interwebs and happened upon a site entitled "Farmers Against Thespians" (dot tumblr dot com). I, being at that time an out and proud thespian, was intrigued; who could hate the whimsy of the theater?
(above: a picture of me back in my thespian days, trying to shield Toto from the cruelties of the world outside of theatre)
Quickly, however, I learned that many do. As I read more and more posts, I was shocked by the compelling evidence stacked against me: could it be that this website was right? Was I, a theatre major, truly a "stain on society?"
I decided to do some hard hitting investigative reporting. So I scrolled through Tumblr for about an hour and called it a day.
Here are some cold hard facts I found, directly from Farmers Against Thespians, that prove all those studying theatre are indeed the Devil himself:
1. Glitter. Lots and lots of glitter.
The man behind Farmers Against Thespians targets glitter specifically as the number one object of torture to those who hate theatre. As someone who has gotten glitter in somehow all crevices of my body, I could see how it could be considered to be straight from the devil.
2. Thespians "hold satanic rituals and offer blood sacrifices before every show."
In addition to this, we praise Satan and "dance for his pleasure." This one gave me pause at first, but after thinking about the many different chants ("Bunny Bunny" anyone?) and strange exercises thespians do to "warm up," I was forced to agree.
3. Theater gave this man whiplash.
Another dangerous actor tricking another upstanding member of society.
4. Thespians defy all logic by measuring years "In inches," "in miles of laughter" and "cups of coffee."
How would one even go about measuring a year in inches? What ruler could be that big? And don't get me started on "cups of coffee." Even I, a former thespian, know that that just isn't good math. Something doesn't add up here.
5. Thespians can't figure out anything about farm life because they are just feeble city folk.
(If you take offense to this, really think to yourself: can I or anyone that I know operate a tractor? Yeah, that's what I thought).
6. Theater took over the entirety of New York.
No man can walk freely without the ominous glow of a marquis for a musical. The silhouettes on the Hamilton posters are said to haunt the streets long after the frenzy of "stagedoor" goers are gone.
7. Actors tend to get overexcited when a musical they know/were in/plan to be in/stars our favorite actress/features an already famous person/just opened on Broadway but the tickets are expensive/just closed on Broadway because of "Hamilton"/etc. is mentioned.
Their emotions are tenfold to those of steady farmers, who only cry when their favorite sheep dies.
8. All actors caused the giant drought in California by singing "The sun will come out tomorrow" too many times.
The pleas of farmers to stop singing were only met with a key change.
9. Thespians believe they are Gods and no man can ever exist without their entertainment.
Luckily, this man has a solution:
I was shocked to learn of all of these terrible crimes thespians commit on a daily basis. How could I have been so blind all of these years? I really had to take a good, hard look at myself and that's when I decided to change my major to Joan--no, sorry, force of habit, what I mean is agriculture. I'm changing my major to agriculture. Thank you, Farmers Against Thespians, for reforming my sinning thespian ways.
