Friend-zone, sister-zone/brother-zone. It’s all bad. No matter how it’s reference to you. The politest person you know can use one of these two terms and mean it in the nicest way, but it hurt just the same. What are they? Let’s explore…. Friend-zone is term used to describe when a person you have romantic feelings for compares you as a friend. For example, person A may say, “Hey man, are you into that girl named Aria? Everyone knows she likes you.” Person B would say, “Nah, man. I like her, but not like that. We’re just friends.” You don’t even know who Aria is, but you still may feel sorry for her. I know I do. Sister-zone is taking things one step further. Instead of being called a friend, you’re being compared to a sibling. Unless the person you’re interested in is into Game of Thrones, that’s not a high compliment. This is fairly common concept. Chances are you’ve encountered someone who have been friend-zone or sibling-zoned. Perhaps it was you. Perhaps you did it to someone else…

Let’s look at things from the other person’s perspective (the one doing the said zoning). The “zoner” will be referred to as the person doing the friend/sibling zoning. The person getting ultimately rejected will be termed “zone-ee”. The zoner may genuinely like you (the zone-ee) as a person, but there’s an extent. An extent you don’t know about until the topic of relationships are brought up in conversation. They don’t want to hurt your feelings, so they avoid it by down-playing any romantic feelings with comparison of friends or siblings. The other person may think this is the best way to get the message clear without anyone getting hurt. Wrong. For the person getting zoned, it would’ve been much better just to come out with it. “I don’t have romantic feelings for you.” Or, “I just don’t see you as that.” Then if the rejection person asks, “Why?” Then the zoner can give the excuse: “I see you as a friend.” Or, much lamer, “You’re like a sister/brother to me.” Either way, it’s not looking good for the zone-ee. As a side note, this could be good or bad, depending on how they feel about their friends and siblings. The point is, it’s far from where you want to be.

I’ve never been on the zoner side of the fence, so I can’t tell how much of that is actually true, so I’m generalizing. Here’s what I know from the zone-ee side. There’s so much hope invested into finding out whether the other person returns your feelings. There’s suspense and build-up every time they smile at you, give you a hug, or things of that nature. In conversation, the topic of relationships comes up (it always does), and you think Yeah, I may actually get a chance. This is finally it. Only to have the complete opposite happening. All that hope is dashed out the window. The suspense and build-up was for absolutely nothing, and you have to brush it off and pretend that it doesn’t bother you while in reality it tears you up inside. The other person may feel a little bad about putting you at arm’s length with this boundary, but they will soon move on and be on their merry way. It sucks. It royally sucks. That’s the best way to describe the situation.

Am I saying you shouldn’t let a person know if you’re not interested? No. I’m saying the exact opposite. If you’re not interested, let the other person know before they get emotionally attached. Once emotions kicked in, it’s done with. Nothing to do but either date them fairly or break their heart. I’m saying, instead of using the old, “I just see you as a friend” crap, tell it like it is. You may like a person as a friend, but when you’re rejecting it doesn’t make the person getting rejected any better. Say you don’t have romantic feelings for them and be done with it.

That’s another thing. Never give a platonic friend mixed signals when hanging out. Meaning, don’t do romantic-type stuff, if you don’t want to pursue a relationship with them. That’s just cruel, unfair, and painful in the end for the other person. You feel platonic but now that you’ve done all this sweet stuff, they’re thinking you want to be more. They may already want to be more, and you just escalated it only to have it crash and fall. Don’t be cruel. Be up-front with your intentions with people. Does it always make sense? No, but it’s necessary. Too many good people have fallen into the pit of friend/sister/brother-zone and trust me when I say, it’s hard to get out…if you even get out. Applaud to those who do.

In the end, what can I say. There’s nothing to say. There’s nothing to do. Nothing but to wait. The pain never fades. You just learn to deal with it. It’s hell, but there are worse tragedies, I guess. There are many fish in the sea, birds in the air, alligators in the swamp. Chances are, one will pick you for you (no hidden agenda or anything). And it will feel so damn good.