If you were diagnosed with Zayn Pain on March 25, 2015, get ready to continue suffering. Zayn Malik released his first solo (zolo?) album and subsequently has ruined the lives of emotionally compromised fans like myself. There’s no use comparing him to his former co-workers of the Cracker Quartet, who had their fifth No. 1 album release this past November. You can read my review of that here.

Zayn Malik is no more, though. The mononymous ZAYN--a fitting redesign of his nomenclature, since we’re always screaming--gave our ungrateful asses 18 songs and copious high notes in this soulful and indulgent R&B compilation.

Track 1: MiNd Of MiNdd (Intro)

• 00:01 seconds in…
• 
• This was definitely a status Zayn wrote on his MySpace in 2007.
• (Make sure to hit up xxBR4DF0RD_B4D_B0I_93xx!!!!!1one)
• *calls 911* “Hello, 911. What’s your emergency?” “Can I make an appointment for 45 minutes and 20 seconds from now?”
• What a lead up for the entire album, though.

Track 2: PILLOWTALK

• Summary of this song: Zayn would be a terrible person to live next to.
• “Reckless” has three syllables.
• “Climb on board” ...to Zayn’s XXX Airlines ;) ;) ;)
• Zayn is one of the few people that can combine a gospel choir vocal range with R&B and rock-ballad guitars.
• Also, no offense to 1D, but they never had a No. 1 single...Zayn did it on his first try. It might be more radio-friendly than 1D’s karaoke machine, but damn, it’s lit.

Track 3: iT’s YoU

• Z debuted this on Jimmy Fallon right as “Pillotalk” hit No. 1, because he likes watching the world burn.
• This makes me miss my non-existent relationship with Zayn.
• Basically the whole song:
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Track 4: BeFoUr

• We get it, you left 1D because they made you sing “Act My Age.”
• It should have been “aCT mY aGe,” by ONE DIRECTION, I know.
• But this song was the first preview we got of ~solo Zayn~ from his interview with “Fader” in November.
• “I’ve done this before” / “But not like this.”
• He’s just a little boy from Bradford and now he’s smashing it. :( :( :(
• 
• 

Track 5: sHe

• “She wants somebody to love”
• Careful, Bieber might open a lawsuit.
• The vibe of this song is “grinding at the middle school dance."
• 

Track 6: dRuNk

• Not going to lie, the starting beats of this song sound like a darker version of “Get’cha Head in the Game” from “High School Musical.”
• “WHAT TEAM?” “ZQUAD!” “WHAT TEAM?” “ZQUAD!” “ZQUAD!” “GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!”
• “Run away now” / “Like we're supposed to do” / “Take you to the back now” / “I take a shot for you” / “Wasted every night” / “Gone for every song” / “Faded every night” / “Dancing all night long”
• “Dancing all night long” ...Zayn, you almost quit X-Factor because you didn’t want to dance.
• *Oprah voice* What is the truth?

Track 7: INTERMISSION: fLoWer

• The beginning is in Urdu! Zayn loves his culture! That’s the cutest thing on this God-forsaken planet! I’m sad!
• I appreciate the intermission, but does this mean the rest of the album is going to be fire? And I’m going to burn?
• (Spoiler alert: the answer is yes.)

Track 8: rEaR vIeW

• Heavy ‘90s R&B influence.
• Summary of this song: Zayn wants to be your friend.

Track 9: wRoNg (feat. Kehlani)

• #ZQUADGOALS
• Seriously, Zehlani kicks Taylor Swift’s squad’s butt.
• If you don’t know who Kehlani is, she’s a 20-year-old Grammy-nominated R&B artist who’s cute AF and has a voice that could kill a man.
• “You're looking in the wrong place for my love” / “Don't stop what you're doing cause I like that too”
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Track 10: fOoL fOr YoU

• Stop what you’re doing. Zayn has a piano intro. This is more important than anything.
• Not to compare it to that band he was a member of for nearly five years, but this definitely pays homage to the piano ballads on their early albums.
• Adele meets One Direction meets John Legend meets a choir of angels?
• I’m into it.
• Give this a Grammy.

Track 11: BoRdErSz

• Zayn is still mourning the closing of Borders a few years ago. I feel ya, buddy. Eat sh*t, Barnes & Noble.
• There are obvious nods to Bollywood, a genre Z said he grew up on.
• Lyrically it reads like a slam poem.
• 
• Kanye actually tweeted this in 2012. He knew the Zapocalypse™ was coming.

Track 12: tRuTh

• Aerosmith-y intro leads into R&B backbeats.
• “I won’t point any fingers” / “I won’t say it was you”
• This is for all you sad Ziam shippers out there.
• 
• Zayn’s voice is like “aye lil mama lemme whispa in ya ear.”
• ZiAm WAs ReAl aNd ThAT’s tHe tRuTh.

Track 13: lUcOzAdE

• Summary of this song: Sports drinks and weed. Zayn says “f*ck” a lot.
• This is about Zouis. (RIP.)
• 
• 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
• Highkey, this is the coolest beat on the entire album.
• ‘80s electronica mixed with psychedelic R&B is the best way to describe this.

Track 14: TiO

• Apparently “TiO” stands for “Take it Off.”
• I thought this was about uncles for about 0.002 seconds.
• “PILLOWTALK” part two.
• Also, Zayn likes to “watch you when you take it off.”
• How Edward Cullen of him.

Track 15: BLUE

• Coldplay who? Do you mean Zoldplay? Step aside, Chris Martin.
• It’s titled “BLUE” after my tears.
• “In the clouds where the angels sing”
• Don’t be a narcissist, Z.
• I still have three songs left...I’m not sure I can make it in one piece after this.

Track 16: BRIGHT

• Summary of this song:
• 
• This sounds like an “X-Files” episode.
• Probably my second favorite on the album.
• Also, Zayn’s falsetto...I can feel my soul ascending to heaven.

Track 17: LIKE I WOULD

• Y’all………...not to be fake deep but…….this…………………..this is the best song on the album……..and probably……...the best song of all time………
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• He released it as a promotional single, which in 1D’s experience usually means the better songs are being saved for the final release. But not Zayn.
• It starts with a Halsey-esque intro with suspenseful beats lurking in the background coupled with Zayn’s soft, sultry voice telling us our faces inspired him.
• THEN BAM. HE DROPS THE SICKEST DANCE CHORUS OF 2016. I’LL FIGHT SOMEONE ON THIS. I JUST USED “SICK” UN-IRONICALLY. LET ME LIVE.
• Maybe it’s a bit obnoxiously current for the time, but if I can create the illusion that Zayn would love me better than anyone else, I’ll take this over Drake’s perpetual heartbreak any day.

Track 18: SHE DON’T LOVE ME

• The Official Zigi (Zayn + Gigi Hadid) Anthem.
• The aesthetics of this song make me feel a lot of things.
• I feel every single “ooohh” in my chakras.
• “I think I know she don’t love me” ...but I do. :(

IN CONCLUSION

• I’m sad.
• 
• Zayn deserves to create music that makes him happy.
• I might be dying.
• If you’re a bitter 1D fan, don’t talk to me.
• 1D needs to call Zayn back.
• Buy “Mind of Mine” on iTunes.
• @Zayn:
•