You know the feeling. For some reason, it always feels like you're on the outside of the group. You're on the edge of the conversation. But you're the friend who'll listen whenever a friend needs to talk. When the tables are turned, when you are the one who needs a friend, you desperately just want somebody to talk to who could even just help you a little bit in figuring out the things you are struggling with. You just want somebody that you will never have to worry about turning away from you. And at the core of it all, lives the single debilitating and subconscious thought: you do not think people ever take notice of you. You just live your life interacting with people as you do every day, but you never fathom that people remember you. You never fathom that people will reach out to you to just hang out or to go out for coffee once in a while.
But that is all you want. You want to be a presence in your friends' lives, but you're afraid you'll be a bother. You want to be there for them and spend time with them. You want to show them how much you really do care, but you don't know how. And you want somebody to notice when you really aren't yourself. There are so many times you've wanted somebody to be there and there was nobody. There is a you that nobody sees.
The you that, after a long day of school, is left crying in your car, alone and overwhelmed.
The you that overthinks on the drive home about all of the things that are blocking you from the aspirations you have and the people you want to be with.
The you that, when doubt begins to consume your mind, is lost in a sea of opposing thoughts; some telling you to be confident and happy and that you have immense potential, and some telling you that there is no way you will ever succeed.
The you that is so overcome with anxiety that you are terrified of ruining a relationship that hasn't even started.
The you that is afraid of saying something stupid that will ruin the relationships you have.
The you that, more than anything, just wants a hug from those friends that mean the world to you right now.
The you that deals with all of this and nobody ever knows.
This is the you that nobody sees.
And this is the you that continues to always put forward your best despite all the difficulties, doubts, and insecurities you face. You press forward in everything you do despite the ways that you feel. You are an inspiration. You continue to give everything despite the world throwing its worst in your path.
It will be a long and hard journey to move away from the negative thoughts that leave you feeling alone and less than the beautiful and amazing person you are. I do not have an answer, but I came across this quote on Pinterest the other day. It asked: What would you do if you weren't afraid of making a mistake, feeling rejected, looking foolish, or being alone? When you remove the fear, the answer you have been searching for comes into focus.
Now, by no means is it easy, but the quote ends by adding: "And as you walk into your fear, you should know for sure that your deepest struggle can, if you're willing and open, produce your greatest strength."
You are already prevailing against the thoughts that threaten to drown you. Know that today, there is somebody who believes in you. There is somebody who understands you. Walk into your fear, and don't look back. Be unapologetically you.
