"Let me help you out. You remind me of myself when I was your age," says a college sophomore to me, the first weekend away at school. The sophomore is female, roughly eight months older than me, and has been partying heavily. Clearly in the eight months of life that she has lived longer than I have, she has gained some life or death knowledge. I am 18, new to the school, and nervous about making friends, how my classes will go, and the fact that my parents still track my phone. Although I consider reminding her that we're actually the same age, I allow her to lean in closely. She puts her hand on my shoulder, steadying herself and readying herself to whisper a nugget of gold into my youthful, naive ear: "If your parents wouldn't be ashamed, you aren't doing it right."
Leaving your childhood home for the first time can be nerve-wracking. You don't know anyone, you're worried about the class load and most of all, you're getting lots of advice from your loved ones and friends parents. The advice you get seems like common sense: don't drink, don't make plans until your homework is done, join a club on campus. Even if the unsolicited advice gets frustrating, I can promise you, it is nowhere near as infuriating as the advice you will get from your peers at school. You might want to think about writing down your hometown adult's advice, or tattooing it to your forearm just in case you forget. Here's some of the worst advice I've gotten since being at school.
"You can't be an alcoholic in college."
If you're guilty of saying this one, don't worry...I've been told that at least seven times. Here's the thing: you most definitely can be an alcoholic in college. Alcohol and drug use is a huge problem at universities. Although there's what my sketchy eighth-grade health teacher referred to as a "healthy amount of dabbling," there's definitely a line.
"Don't go to the first week of classes; it's a waste of time."
OK, so you don't do that much the first week of classes. That's true. They call it syllabus week for a reason. If you're trying to form good relationships with your professors, appear professional, or ever ask them to be a reference, it's in your best interest to show up to class. If you don't show up to the first week of classes, you miss the frantic search for a friend to work on group projects with. Your understanding of the course requirements is a little bit fuzzier.
"Come on...Try it."
DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT TRY IT. I don't care what the context is. If you're currently a college student, I'm sure reading the phrase "try it" either brought a smile or a grimace to your face. It doesn't matter which one; you've most likely been told this before. Here's a heads up: free climbing any structure, ingesting anything that needs convincing or going to any undefined event that happens past 2 a.m. is a bad idea. DO NOT TRY IT.
"Smoking cigarettes will clear your lungs and make your cough go away."
If that doesn't just scream future doctor to you, I'm not sure what will. I'm not sure where my peers heard this one from, but I can promise you that cigarettes are not the magical cure for your cough. A better piece of advice to give your friends would be "take a nap," "drink a glass of water," or "quit complaining about how sick you are."
"Campus security doesn't care if you _______!"
Oh, yes. They do. There are some statements that you'd think would immediately make the voice of reason (you know, the voice in your head that sounds frighteningly similar to a disembodied version of your mother) scream at you to not do that. This is one of them. If you have to bring up how campus security feels about it, they care, and you shouldn't be doing it. This has even extended to, "the cops here don't care if you ________." Please, assume that they care and save yourself the phone call home.
"You should hide this in your room for me."
In the dorms, nothing is hidden. Remember this when you respectfully decline that offer. Ignorance is bliss; do not ask what is in the bag. Do not touch the bag. Do not look at the bag. Back away slowly until the main subject is a far enough distance away that you feel safe, and then run.
