Do you ever have a feeling that you’re not good enough? I’m sure everyone may feel that way at one point in their lives. But lately, I’ve been struggling.
Worthlessness. This is what I have constantly been thinking of.
I am reminded of my first year at NYU, which was probably the saddest year of my life. One night I had gotten into an argument with someone (over text), and I remember telling her that I was feeling very depressed; this is how I genuinely felt at the time.
She responded saying that: "Everyone feels depressed,” that “It's college", "It can be hard."
That night I walked around New York City for about an hour trying to keep tears from running down my face. At that very moment, I felt so alone. The words kept repeating in my head, and I couldn't help but think that, where I was then, nobody cared about me.
If I were gone, it would still be the same.
At that moment. I remember bursting into tears, not because I was sad or (actually) depressed, but because I would even think of that. How could I ever say that to myself?
But it wasn’t me saying that.
That voice, that evil thing inside my head is taunting me again. I know it isn’t true. I know it. The angel on my shoulder reminds me I have friends who love me, and that my family will always love me. That God will never see His child as worthless. But the little devil whispers into my ear.
No one likes you. No one cares about your birthday. You actually thought you had real friends? You can’t trust these people; they don’t make time for you. You are. Worthless.
I've never told anyone about these thoughts I was having because it would worry them; I didn't want that. I've always been known to be a happy person, and I didn't want to reveal what was really going on.
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A few days ago I was sitting at Hillsong church, and I learned about the three things that are hindering me from God, the One who brings us true joy.
Myself. The World around me. The lies of the devil.
That leaves nothing but God. The only thing that is not working against me knowing God is God. You might think that doesn’t make any sense. But it reminded me that the only way to lead a godly life is by leaning on Him. Yet, that is the most challenging part.
I've never thought again that if I were gone that nothing would change. But this isn't the same for others. Someone around you may be suffering but unwilling to show it. And whether you believe in God or not, we aren't meant to navigate this world alone. Always give thanks and show your friends you love them.
“Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions. Most emotions are responses to perception - what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms - what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn't make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe.”
- William Paul Young, The Shack
IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND/OR TENDENCIES, REACH OUT IMMEDIATELY. NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THIS ALONE. SUICIDE IS SERIOUS.
National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7