If you were anything like me, you were following your older siblings from the second when you could walk. To say that my brothers amazed, fascinated, and inspired me is quite simply an understatement. To this day, I can honestly say that I have no idea who I would have turned out to be if I hadn't had them for constant support and guidance over my lifetime. Being the youngest child gave me more freedom than my brothers, more clothes from my mother, and I believe a greater sense of invincibility than they ever had. Along with being the youngest also came the burden of a much bigger heartbreak than your siblings ever had to endure. As much as I loved them and they brought me up, they also had one of the greatest powers to break me down.
The ways in which they broke my heart were not in selfish fits of rage. The way that they broke my heart was, simply put, a natural process of growing up. It was moving out of the house after high school to move onto "bigger and better things" or simply ditching me to catch a movie with friends. When you're the youngest, you're always trying to make your legs seem bigger so that maybe you can catch up to your big siblings without being left behind. No matter how much effort you put into stretching your legs or walking around on your tippy-toes in the hope that your body will get the hint, it's impossible to force your natural transition from child to adult and you shouldn't rush it.
It broke my heart each day after both of my brothers moved out of the house and when, eventually, I was the last one left, I felt an overwhelming sense of being alone for the first time in my life. I have wonderful parents and being with them was not torture, but there was no longer the reassurance of a brother just down the hall who I could talk to—no matter the hour of the day to just let it all off of my chest. Sure, they were just a text or call away but sometimes there's nothing that can quite compare to a big hug that only your big brother can give.
While I eventually stumbled my way into adulthood, I have the eerie sense that my feelings of loneliness will soon come once again when they reach milestones that I have not yet conquered. When they get married, I believe that I will be the proudest sister in the world and be overwhelmingly happy for their happiness, but they will then again be in a life that I have not yet experienced or understand.
When they have their first child, they will not be able to call me and ask for advice about what to do because I'm just as lost as they are. Instead, they will be calling our mother who did a pretty awesome job of raising us. However, where do I fit into that mix? Until I decide to get married or I have children of my own, I'm afraid that my brothers and I will no longer relate.
This time, though, I will not rush myself to grow up and simply understand that if I give it time, my little legs will catch up.
