For as long as I can remember I have never been able to sleep normally. When I say the word normal, I mean in it the sense that when I reach the end of a long day, my body does not react the same way as many other people. The reality for many normal sleepers is that when they come to the end of the day, that sense of tiredness washes over them and their energy depletes, as their body lets them know that it is time to lay their heads down on a pillow and allow themselves to be mentally and physically replenished throughout the course of a full nights sleep. Where I deviate from that natural progression is that when I reach the end of the day, the exhaustion that should be setting in never comes (at least in any sort of convenient time-frame) and I find myself nearly as awake in the middle of the night as I am in the afternoon.
These sleep hardships have always been something that I have simply forced myself to accept, as I have never received an official diagnosis for insomnia or something of that nature, which would lead to a hopeful resolution of said issues. The upside-down reality of my sleeping schedule often finds me in situations where I am sluggish and fatigued in the day and overflowing with energy in the evening. making certain daily interactions more bothersome than they perhaps should be due to the irregularity of my sleeping patterns.
But rather than simply sulk in pessimism, I have compiled a short list of positive upsides to something that to some likely seems to be a purely draining complication with nothing good to be gleaned from it whatsoever. If we try hard enough we can often find redeeming gems that nearly seem to make the hardship worth it. The gems that I have identified are as follows…
My creativity flourishes late at night.
I do not know what it is about the hours sometime between midnight and sunrise that sparks an unquenchable creative fire within me. It very well may be the complete and utter lack of activity that is usually around me during that span of time. While those that I know and love are indulging in a temporary escape from life’s responsibilities, my head is overflowing with ideas and personal realizations. There is something about those lonely hours that inspires me, and I have yet to determine exactly what it is, but I spend a good amount of time thinking about what it might be, which leads me to my next point…
It is a time for reflection.
The frenzy of the day fades into the back of my mind during those late-sleepless hours. There is a silence deeper than a mere lack of conversation. I frequently find myself given time to be utterly alone with my thoughts during the late-night, without having to be concerned with my attention being tugged at from several directions simultaneously.
When all is said and done, would I trade in the things that I appreciate about not being able to sleep regularly for a normal sleep schedule? I am undecided. I have become so accustomed to way that things have been that there is almost comfort in the idea of my sleep patterns continuing on as they always have, even if they may not be entirely ideal. I have taught myself to see the beauty in the dysfunction of my sleep patterns, hopefully for better, but maybe for worse. There might come a day where I decide that I want to fix my sleep, but that day has not arrived yet.
For now, restlessness reigns.
