When I go to bed, when I'm bored and when I'm at work, all I can think about is my depression. I have to constantly keep myself occupied, or my mind will begin to go 100 miles an hour filled with all bad things. I am in a great part of my life right now. I am in college, I finally have friends, I live in an amazing city, yet still, I am depressed.
Depression is so consuming that I often forget that I am not the only one experiencing it, so I asked my Facebook friends how they would describe depression, to see if people feel the same way I do, or if they are affected differently by different aspects of depression.
Depression feels like.. "complete and utter apathy for everything."
I have the most wonderful friends in the world. They are all great people and we all share similar opinions and ideas for fun. Still, when I go to bed at night, I can't sleep for hours because I am convincing myself that my friends hate me, I am useless and I am undeserving of love. My friends give me no reason for me to believe that they hate me, but I still lie awake at night and think of all the reasons why I am a horrible friend and they hate me.
Depression feels like.. "you're drowning in life itself and no matter what you do you just can't bring yourself to the surface of it all."
I know that I am a nice girl. I am 100% confident in that. I just feel like I need frequent validation from my friends that they love me, and even when I get this validation, I don't believe that it's real and I don't know what to say. If I have to work while my friends are hanging out, I know that this is completely out of my control, yet I still tell myself that they hate me and that's why I wasn't invited to hang out, even though I KNOW that it's because I had to work. I convince myself that all of my friends love each other more than they love me and they are all closer to each other than they are to me.
Depression feels like.. "knowing you have to get up and live your life but instead you want to stay in bed and sleep as much as possible because time passes quicker."
I am dying to go out with my friends and be around the people whom I love so much, but when it comes to time to go hang out, I just want to be alone. This is a vicious cycle that only leaves me feeling worse.
Depression feels like.. "everything you are doing is wrong and you can't figure out why so why even try."
This quote really helps sum up what it feels like when my mind goes into a deep spiral. I think about how much I hate society and how none of it matters. I find myself hating the addiction to cell phones, the addiction to money, and the idea of careers, marriage and having a family. These are things that I have dreamed of, but when I go into that dark place, I find myself questioning the meaning of all of it and wondering why I am even trying to go to school or have a career.
Depression feels like.. "you're lazy but it's not actual laziness."
I am constantly so exhausted because my brain never stops running and I feel like I am always in physical pain.
Depression feels like.. "being a piece of black construction paper- flat, expressionless, no light anywhere in my being. Dullness and darkness."
I have so much hope that it will get better, but at the same time, I have zero hope that it will get better, and this is because I have been telling myself that it will get better for so long. In the winter I say, 'It's seasonal, summer will be better' but now I am in the middle of July and I am telling myself 'It will be better when school starts and I have my schedule.' So, no matter what, I am always telling myself that it will get better, and sometimes it does, so it is nice to be able to hold onto that.
Depression is NOT romantic or beautiful. Depression runs my entire life. I have zero belief in myself when it comes to anything. I think to myself, 'How can anyone feel like this? What is wrong with me?' but I realize that 300 million other people around the world feel the same way I do, and I am so sorry for everyone who has to lie awake at night and wonder what is wrong with them and why they can't outthink this horrible thing in their brains. Please hold on to hope.