Growing up we all have this dream of what it would be like to be the most popular kid in school, to stand with our head held high and to have all of the other students feign at our feet like the royalty we knew we were in our 8 year old hearts. I remember sitting on top of the monkey bars at recess with another girl as we imagined a scenario similar to what I described above. Needless to say, I have grown up a lot in those 14 years that separate me from those monkey bars.

In my awkward middle school phase I skirted under the radar as much as possible, avoiding any kind of obscene exposure as possible (those years were brutal!). I managed to make it into high school where I started realizing who I was as a person. This being said, there’s only so much growth that can happen when you spend 8 hours a day with the same kid who used to eat glue next to you in pre-school. By the way, that kid’s now a freaking math whiz, but you still look at him as that kid covered in glue that you once knew.

Now, enter the college years. That pit in your stomach that fills with butterflies as the weeks of summer fly by and then you’re in the car with your mom bawling your eyes out as your dad follows in the truck. True story, I was a hot mess. You think about all of your friends, those moments on the monkey bars, the glue kid, your best friends who you think you can’t live without, but somehow will learn how to (skype dates are sometimes needed). You’re finally going to a place to reinvent yourself. Time to become who you truly are.

Freshman year speeds by in a blink of an eye. You doubted yourself. You cried yourself to sleep. You dyed your hair in the bathroom with some of your floormates who became your closest friends. You even attended those dreaded “mandatory” floor meetings. You smiled, and you laughed, and now you’re dreading the car ride with your mom for a totally different reason. Summer vacation is much needed since you kicked butt, but how will you live without the people that you shared walls with on your crazy dorm floor? Sophomore year flies by just the same, and you friend group multiplies and multiplies. You’ve finally figured out how to manage class time, homework time, friend time and you time.

Scene:Junior Year, walking around campus with a friend. I walk across campus and say “Hey” or acknowledge numerous people to the point where it was difficult to hold a conversation with the person I was walking with. They grow frustrated and jokingly say “you must know this entire campus.” You laugh and shrug it off. I might know the person enough to say “hello” but I don’t know them. You work hard, but there’s something wrong. You don’t know quite what it is. Does anyone know you? Do you know you?

Scene: Senior Year, walking around campus with same friend. You say hello to a few people, but have a hard time acknowledging people you have known for a long time. Why? They were your friends before, weren’t they?

The struggle of being “known” is one that I still deal with today. I am my own person, but I got lost along the journey of finding who I was. I got wrapped up in a “popularity” cloud that I started doubting myself and who I was. I grew afraid of a cloud that hung around me and the ideas that people thought of when they heard my name. I was supposed to be perfect, I was supposed to be there for everyone at the moment they said so. There was no room for mistakes. I created an image for myself, one that showed “the perfect me,” or so I thought.

I was called out, chewed up, and tossed aside on multiple occasions. The problem with being “known” the way I was, is that I became a stepping stone. I was walked over and disregarded once my purpose was met. I learned, though. There were a few people I could count on to be there for me through whatever. It didn’t matter what other people said, or what their thoughts of what was going on deter them. They saw me as who I was trying to be. They didn’t allow for me to hate myself quite as much as I was starting to. I learned from these individuals who saw my self-worth when I couldn’t. They stood up for me on a multitude of occasions when my world was crashing down around me. It was these people who truly know me, and I cannot begin to thank them enough.