Friends, Romans, countrymen… lend me your attention spans. It’s time we talk about this. I know you think what you’re doing is okay, that it will make you happy. But you need to be honest with yourself: it’s not. We need to acknowledge the truth.

The truth about pants.

Several days—or, it pains me to say, every day—this week you woke up, brushed your teeth (and maybe your hair), and threw on a pair of pants. It was easy, habitual—nay, instinctual. You’ve been told pants would be simple and comfortable. You’ve been told they are optimum for motion in your active day. You’ve been sold the warmth and the protective aspect, the full-coverage that means you’ve hardly thought about the hair-to-skin ratio of your legs since October. You want to so badly to believe this is true, because it really would make everyday life that much simpler. But, somewhere deep inside of you, you know it’s not. And it breaks your heart just a little bit.

Now, I will admit that I have long been an opponent of pants, and a rather vocal one at that. I recognize, though, that there are exceptions to the rule. Once in a blue moon, you may succeed in finding a truly comfortable pair of pants. Bonus points if they’re not sweatpants. Double bonus points if they’re actually flattering, too. Triple bonus points if they’re actually still pants, not leggings. (Leggings ARE NOT pants. But that’s a discussion for another time.)

Basically, I realize that this commentary does not apply to every single pair of pants in existence; that would be a preposterous stance to take. I am confident, however, that my assessment of pants does apply to the majority of pants out there, most especially the varieties of pants currently on the market. For example, let’s take a look at this line-up of various cuts of jeans:

There might be a different word under each of those pairs of pants, but take another look. How different are these styles, really? Can you look at those pants and honestly say you think your experience of wearing them will be any of the things (simple, comfortable, optimum for motion in your active day, warm—unless they’re wool, they’re not—etc.) advertisements suggest it will be?

Public Enemy Number One: The Skinny Jean

Skinny jeans serve two purposes: 1) to accentuate the thinness of those who already are thin OR 2) to create the effect of thinness for those who wish to appear thinner than they think they are. When chosen wisely, skinny jeans may indeed help one achieve the desired aesthetic effect—but at what cost?

First, of all, there’s the self-esteem factor. Our bodies—and our perceptions of them—are mutable: they can change from day to day and hour to hour. One day a pair of skinny jeans may fit with just the right amount of snugness. A week later, they might feel like they are suffocating your legs. One doesn’t need to imagine the detrimental psychological effects, not to mention the total lack of comfort that results, because we’ve probably all experienced this.

Then there’s the physiological aspect. In fact, skinny jeans, the clothing industry’s standard pant-of-choice for the past decade or so, have been reported to cause health issues. Is this really so surprising when your half-spandex jeans must be saran-wrapped on and peeled off?

Probably the real culprit? Proper fit—or lack thereof.

Thus far, I’ve focused on jeans more so than any other type of pant. This is, in large part, because when we think of “pants” in 2016, most of us automatically jump to jeans. If you beg to differ, at least give me this: if anyone in the U.S. under the age of thirty opts to wear pants for casual social purposes (as opposed to fulfilling a work requirement or outfitting oneself for a workout), they’ll most likely choose jeans. Sure, dress pants and work pants can play into this discussion as well, and they’ve got their own issues. Where we can speak about pants in general, however, is in terms of fit. Do you remember this movie?

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, and the books that inspired the movies, are really about a group of friends and how their lives—and friendships—change as they learn how to be apart and grow into adulthood. (I promise, this is relevant.) The catalyst for the film, though, is that the four main characters find an unbelievable pair of jeans in a secondhand store that happen to look great on each of them, in spite of their differing body shapes. Why do I bring this up? Because when I say “unbelievable,” I mean precisely that. It’s virtually impossible. For example, take a gander through the results of this ELLE.comstaffer’s own experiments with several pairs of jeans that claim to have the “perfect” fit, no matter who wears them. Spoiler alert: life doesn’t work that way.

Beyond this impractical (if fun to muse about) idea of the same pair of pants fitting more than one person well, let’s talk about the search for pants. Navigating the racks on racks of pants out there to find *just one, please just one* pair that is both flattering and comfortable is disheartening. If one doesn’t bunch at the ankles, it likely sags at the bum or pinches at the waist. Or maybe it fits just fine at 9am, but by 3pm is making wild attempts to slither down your hips. In truth, no “perfect fit,” or even ideal fit, exists. With pants, life is always a compromise. I don’t fault you if pants are your compromise of choice—but we shouldn’t pretend it’s anything less.

Down With Pants

In sum, I think it’s time we be realistic about pants. Of all the “Expectations vs. Reality” situations out there, this is one arena in which we can choose a better reality. Does wearing a skirt or dress (if that’s your style) really require that much more effort? Even if it does, isn’t it worth it for an overall happier and more comfortable day-to-day life?

Because it’s okay to admit it: you really do kind of hate pants, don’t you?