Growing up you have faint memories of attending funerals with your parents, sitting in the pew of the church, not fully registering what is going on. You see people you love cry and grieve, you empathize, but it doesn't fully prepare you for your first significant loss.
You wake up one morning, and the initial shock hits you. One moment, it's just a normal day, the next day you're crying so hard you can barely see or you find yourself frozen in time praying to God that this is only a nightmare. Praying that you can wake up and it all be a dream, you can have your life back again.
The first week or so, you try your best to stay strong for your loved ones and they are trying to do the same for you. You've cried so much in the shower and in the privacy of your own room, you think you have no more tears left to give.
Then as you soon come to realize, no one teaches you how to deal with loss. There's no treatment for it, it never goes away. You just find ways to cope with it.
They say the first year is the hardest, I haven't made it there yet, but I can only hope it's true. Hours turn into days, days to weeks, weeks to months. You fool yourself into thinking you've accepted loss, you find yourself being able to talk about that special someone without completely breaking down, then you have just a casual thought that relates to them, and in a blink of an eye there’s an ache in the back of your throat and the next moment you feel like you can't even breathe. You sit there gasping for air, gasping for them to come hold you in their arms one last time.
Showing your emotions and allowing yourself doesn't make you weak. You're strong because you chose to continue moving on, you continue to allow yourself to live and love life. Whatever is your way of grieving -you're right- don't allow anyone else to tell you otherwise.
As humans, we have this beautiful ability to speak, to communicate. Whatever your story may be, whatever your heart ache may be, allow yourself to feel. However, don't beat yourself down further with “what if’s”, “what if’s” are toxic for the soul. Simply treasure the way things were, there's nothing you can do about the “what if’s” now. I truly believe there is no way to recover from loss, but you get stronger with each passing day. Your departed loved one deserves to be loved and you deserve to feel. Never try to run from loss, it will always find you and it will always win.
Let your first loss be the one that puts a mark on your heart, let it open up your eyes to how transient life may be. Let it encourage you to give the extra smile to strangers. Let it hold your loved ones tighter. Let it make the fights seem pointless. Above all.. love.
