I remember feeling completely hopeless. I remember wondering if I'd ever be able to say it out loud. I remember thinking I had to step up and take care of my fractured family. I remember praying that everything would get better.
When I was in 8th grade, my parents got divorced. I suppose I was on the older side, after all I was almost entering high school, but I still had a lot of growing up to do. There were so many questions in the beginning, about why this was happening, if it was my fault, and what would happen next. Even though I had all these questions I wanted answers to, I couldn't talk about it. I was so afraid to speak the words, to tell people that I wasn't ok because if I added anything else to the fiery situation I was in, it just might consume my whole world.
From even before the divorce, I never had the best relationship with my dad. He wasn't present in much of my childhood, so it was easy to name him as the bad guy in all of this. Everything was so out of my control and I needed someone to blame. He was my target. I was angry at him; I was scared of him; I was heartbroken over him. I spent so many years thriving on a grudge I refused to let go of.
Between my broken family and my strained relationship with my dad, I was extremely bitter for a long time. Even if I had hidden it well.
I had grown used to hurting, so I didn't want it to stop. I no longer remembered how it felt to forgive. When you live with a hurt and don't deal with it, it warps your view of the world. I found it difficult to trust anyone's motives. I hated talking about serious things with anyone. I thought everyone expected me to be fine, so I was.
Looking back, there are several things I would change. I've learned that it feels really good to let go of your hurt and anger. As I've gotten older, I've seen the foolishness of holding grudges, and seen the peace that comes with forgiveness. I have also learned that it's ok to feel like your world is falling to pieces around you, and it's ok to let others know that you're hurting. Don't bottle up your feelings – let them out in one way or another. Talk to someone. Write things down. Paint. Draw. Do anything to express what you feel. Keeping it all to yourself is a recipe for disaster.
Nothing about my parents' divorce was happy or good. Yet, I learned so much about myself through it. I learned about the kind of person I want to be. I learned about the kind of relationship I want to have someday. I learned about grief and pain, and how important it is to let it out rather than keeping it to yourself. I learned that I am strong, but it is okay to be weak. I learned that I don't want to waste my time being angry over something that I cannot change.
I learned how to find the shining stars in a black night.
Divorce sucks, plain and simple. It is awful for all people involved, and I would never wish it on anyone. Still, there is much you can still learn from a terrible situation.
If you are a child of divorce, I stand with you. I hurt with you. I cry with you. You are not in this alone. It may not feel like it, but it does get better. One day, you will be able to think about good memories without feeling like you want to cry. One day, you will be able to tell your story without feeling a lump in your throat. One day, you will be able to recognize the good moments and learn about who you are and who you want to be.
You aren't destined for the same choices your parents made. You have a whole life ahead of you. Don't let what has happened ruin you, but let it shape your choices. I am not claiming to be an expert, but I know what I have learned from my circumstances. I'm hoping that sharing this will help someone else.
