Social anxiety is defined as: "the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance" by Thomas A. Richards. I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder when I was 12, but my anxiety took a toll on me socially when I was 16 after some negative experiences that I had in high school. It has gotten a lot better after I moved to a different state and surrounded myself with better people. I still get more anxious than the average college student and here's some thoughts that I have on a regular basis:
1. "Why are they staring at me?"
2. "Please don't hand me a flyer, please don't hand me a flyer."
I don't think anyone likes receiving flyers from people, but it freaks me out to have to have a conversation with someone that I don't know, especially about something I'm not too interested in. It's super anxiety-provoking when it's a big group of people advertising for the event that stare at you as one of them hands you a flyer.
3. "I really want to pet that dog, but what if their owner says no?"
I'm not only scared of being turned down, but I don't want to have to start up a conversation with a stranger. There's been countless of times where I creepily stare at someone's dog and contemplate whether or not to ask the owner if I can pet their dog.
4. "What if I see someone I know and have to talk to them?"
There's three people on this planet that I don't get awkward around when I talk to them. Only one goes to my school. So basically, I get nervous to talk to just about everyone all day long. When I see a classmate or someone I know, I blank out and never know what to talk about. Do I talk about their family? Do I ask about their classes? I never know what to say.
5. "I need to ask a question, but I'm afraid I'll stutter in front of the whole class."
I stutter when I'm nervous and I get nervous to talk to people. I get extra nervous when an entire classroom of 45 people are staring at me as I talk. I'm also afraid that my question will be stupid. This fear stemmed from being made fun of for dumb questions I asked in middle school and high school.
6. "What if I see my boyfriend's friends and have to say hi and I stutter?"
Have you seen a pattern? I'm afraid of people. I'm also afraid of embarrassing my boyfriend in front of his friends. I've embarrassed myself in front of his friends before, but I have an irrational fear that I will do something catastrophically embarrassing in front of them.
7. "Just act like you didn't see them."
I know how weird it is to avoid people that I like perfectly fine, or even miss talking to, but I do it anyways. I wish I wasn't afraid to run up and talk to people that I already know and care about.
8. "Am I eating weird?"
Probably. Do people care? Probably not. I still have a weird fear of eating in front of people who are not (there must be a name for that) and because of this, I rarely eat in places like the library, parks, or in classroom buildings. I pig out when I'm at home and even at restaurants, with no fear at all. Don't worry, I know that this is probably some sort of phobia that's not Social Anxiety.
I may look like a normal girl on the outside, but on the inside, I'm freaking out that you're even "looking" at me. I had to get homeschooled my senior year of high school because of my daily anxiety attacks before, during, and after school, and I'm glad to say that my anxiety has gotten much better all together.
