Until I was five, my father wasn't really around. I don't mean that in the sense that he left us, or that he wasn't actually physically present. I mean that my father wasn't emotionally available to be a parent. When my mother told him she wanted a divorce and moved out, she "left" me and my sister with him, based solely on the idea that he could better provide for us financially. In theory, this should have given him the opportunity to step up and be a father figure, but six months after the divorce was final, he moved my now step-mother into the house. This gave him the chance to go back to focus on what was really important to him: his new wife and his career. So, what does a father teach his daughters when he's not really around to teach them? Here's a "brief" list of what I have learned from my father.
If a man loves you, he will be emotionally unavailable.
If a man loves you, you should make life choices that they will approve of.
Your career comes before your family and the people you love.
The new child will get significantly more parental effort and attention than the previous ones.
It's OK for your step-mom to mentally abuse you, but you still have to be respectful towards her.
"Some diseases last forever."
"If you're drunk and at a party and you've brought your car, leave it and call a cab and go back for it in the morning."
If you're dating someone and you go away to college, you should break up with them to "keep your options open."
Birthday and Christmas letters are personalized and sentimental.
If you struggled with self-harm, "Well, you don't need to do that."
Now, I know that a lot of these seem harsh to say, but I haven't only learned things like this from him. I've also learned some good things.
My father taught me to be a more independent person. Not having someone to rely on for every little thing teaches you to provide for yourself. But it is OK to ask for help when you need it.
He taught me how to forgive. There are a lot of things that my father has done in my life that should be forgiven, and he taught me how to do that. Despite the fact that I don't like him at times, he's still my father, and he deserves forgiveness just like children deserve forgiveness when they make mistakes. Although, I'll never forget these things, and they will always sit at the back of my mind.
"You're old enough to make your own decisions, and while I don't support them, they're yours to make."
When you want to achieve something, you need to put in the effort to get it.
My father is far from perfect, but he tries. He truly does. But there is another father figure in my life that deserves to be a part of this article. He deserves a section about what he taught me. That man is my step father, who has been a father figure since I was six years old. My step-dad would leave work to pick me up from school when I was sick. He would pick me up to drive me home and he would stop at the gas station just so I could get a soda. When I accidentally set fire to my bedroom, he held me and said he was glad I was OK (even though he had previously said on multiple occasions that if I set the house on fire he would kick my ass). When my kitten died, he drove to the vet's office to console me after we handed her over to be cremated. When I moved back up to New Hampshire for this semester, he drove up with me and helped me move in. He has taught me that a man who is not your biological father, can be the truly strong father figure a girl needs in her life. He also taught me a lot of other things:
How to cuss.
How to stay up until 3 a.m. to play video games.
How to drive and parallel park.
How absurd heavy metal music is, but how wonderful it is to listen to when you're pissed off.
How to come up with witty comebacks.
How to deal with bullies.
How to back into a parking space or driveway.
How to mow a lawn.
How to deal with a break-up.
Most importantly, he taught me how a father should treat a daughter. How they should be forgiven and taught the right way to go about things. Specifically, how a father figure should act towards a daughter. He taught me this from the first present he ever bought me: a brown teddy bear he got and sent for my sixth birthday; a teddy bear that I still have, and still distinctly remember naming Brownie (I mean, I was six, we aren't very creative that young... my half-brother named a fish Tree for crying out loud).
Both my father and step-father have taught me many things in my life. But above all else, they taught me the different aspects of love. They taught me that no matter who I may end up with, there will be good parts and bad. The same can be said about life in general. There will always be good parts and people, and bad parts and people. The important thing is knowing how to react and respond to them. These are the things that my "fathers" taught me.
