I know that this article will be met with some criticism and major disagreement, but I’m going to give my opinion anyway.
Once upon a time, I turned 20 years old and still had never had a first kiss, or even been on a date. I was holding onto hope that this particular guy I had the hots for (who was 30 years my senior, and looked young for his age), would someday wake up and realize that I’d wanted to jump his bones since we met four years prior. It wasn’t going to happen though. I came home for a vacation after finishing my training for the Army. I was told I’d be going to South Korea for my first duty station, so I intended to make the most of my time while I was home. I still liked that hot guy, and even tried to flirt a little. My signals were neither received nor reciprocated, and I’d already told him how I felt about him two years prior.
What I didn’t expect was getting my first kiss from a 42 year old who I knew of (local celebrity kinda thing). I ended up having a semi-fling with that dude a couple times before I left for Korea. It was fun, and secretive, and I wanted it to last longer. He was sweet to me, made me feel special and beautiful, and my libido was at a near all-time high! Alas, I left for South Korea, still a virgin.
When I got to Korea, I wasn’t looking for love. I was just looking for friends, or, at the very least, acceptance. So imagine my surprise when I ended up meeting my husband of five years, who started out as my best friend. It was like a fairy tale in many ways, but then there was the guy I met in Korea before I met my husband. The guy I met, via my roommate, seemed really nice at first. He was about five years older than me. For whatever reason, I fell for him—hard! He ended up being my first time. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t spectacular. Things got pretty good after a few times, but I think I just was so damn frisky I hadn’t had time to develop standards, or a real sense of what I liked and didn’t like. This guy was pretty “vanilla” (a.k.a. the opposite of kinky), and while he was never mean to me in bed, he was very insulting and demeaning the rest of the time we were in each other’s company. I think I had it in my head that sex was supposed to equal love, but in this case it didn’t.
I wanted to believe that it did, and I think I tricked myself into thinking that I was in love with this guy. I realized a month and a half later after he left the unit that it wasn’t real love. I just wanted to feel close to someone, and be intimate with them. The truth is, sometimes you don’t always get both. Some people are okay with that, but I was different. I wanted sex, and then snuggles, and being able to fall asleep in someone’s arms. I didn’t get that with this guy. He was a complete asshole to me when we weren’t having sex, and most of the time he didn’t want sex. I actually began to think he was gay because I’d always thought that younger guys are supposed to be naturally horny, and on the prowl all the time. I was totally wrong. He was usually more interested in watching “King of Queens” (which I hated, to be honest) than gettin’ it on. When he wasn’t watching that, he was telling me things like I was a little bit fat, or that I didn’t dress sexy like most girls. He would demean me for my excitement when he put on a Megadeth concert download, or tell me things like he could only have a real conversation with me and talk to me like a normal human being when I was crying. His mental manipulation, and verbal and emotional abuse seemed to know no bounds. To him, I was just an emotional punching bag.
After he left Korea, I started spending more time with Shawn, who I considered my best friend. Shawn was easy to talk to. We liked to joke around together, and sometimes we struck up some pretty good philosophical conversations (not to mention, we both had pretty extensive vocabularies). We talked about our pasts, and talked about what kind of music we liked. We watched movies together, cooked together, and before I knew it, I was faced with a tough choice: either take a chance, and be vulnerable enough to date this truly great guy, or risk losing him forever. So I decided to be brave, and chose to start dating Shawn to see where things went. I realized he’d always been there for me. He’d always protected me, and defended me. He was the one, even before I knew it. I finally realized that he was truly wonderful, and that he wasn’t just putting on an act. Our relationship went from friends, to very serious quickly. We just clicked. We fit, and life felt comfortable with Shawn by my side. We went everywhere together, and did everything together. We were best friends, plus love. We could always be honest and down to earth with each other. We also had similar senses of humor, and his ability to make me laugh was an attractive quality!
So my point is, sometimes, sex does not equal love. Sometimes sex is just sex, and it doesn’t mean as much as we think it should. Sometimes it doesn’t mean what we wish it would. The thing is though, I feel like it’s important for young girls and young women to understand that it’s okay to have a high libido. They shouldn’t feel guilty, or be shamed by others for having desires. It’s okay to have a sex-drive that out-paces your partner’s. It’s okay to want to physically be with someone and for it to not be serious. What is important though, is to realize that sometimes sex and love are two separate things, and that’s okay. In fact, I believe it’s crucial that young girls and young women are able to make that distinction, because it can save you a lot of time wasted, a lot of heartache over yearning for something or someone that just isn’t worth it, but it can also teach you what is truly important in a relationship. It’s okay to love sex, in fact it’s totally normal, but it’ll be more rewarding if it’s with someone who is actually worth your time. It doesn’t have to always take place with “the one,” but chances are, it’ll be a more fulfilling experience if it’s with someone you truly care about. The right guy is out there, and they’re worth waiting for. Maybe not waiting sexually speaking, but emotionally speaking. Sex does not have to equal love. Sex only has as much meaning as we choose to give it, and that can vary depending on the situation. It can mean everything, or nothing. The choice is ours. Try to choose your partners wisely, and use contraception, but also remember that just because you had sex with someone doesn’t mean you owe them your heart. Save your love for someone who is a genuinely great person. I guarantee you that wasted love hurts more, and messes with your mind more than a wasted orgasm (or lack of, depending on the scenario).
So does sex equal love? No, it doesn’t. Is it way more amazing when you do it with someone you love? In my experience, yes! It is a mind, body and soul kind of moment. Just remember though, not to confuse a moment of bliss for a lifetime of happiness.