It was a warm afternoon on June 17, 2015, the type of weather that craved for those wearing shorts and tank-tops. Only instead, I was wearing a black cap and gown, absorbing the near-summer heat, having just received my high school diploma and life's work inside of a plain brown envelope. The phrase "This is it?" echoed in my mind as I smiled while taking pictures with family and friends, hugged teachers, and finally walked away from the rusted gates and into my mother's car, going, going, gone. Just like clockwork. What remained of my high school became a flea in the rear-view mirror and then slowly, with the inevitability of a balloon reaching space, imploded into nonexistence.
Well, I guess this was it. After surviving four years of crowded hallways, rigorous classes, and the feeling of being a microorganism in a colony of giants, I was in the same state of senselessness and confusion as I had been in entering high school; the only difference now being that I am considered by law to be an adult.
Fast forward to 45 days later. Now, I am finishing up a summer program and changing my mindset to accommodate another one coming up in a couple of weeks. As college looms closer, so do my anxieties about my next stage in life.
From elementary school, I was The Perfectionist. Get good grades, get involved with different activities, find a strength and play to it day and night, etc. Clubs that require two hours of transportation. A few hours worth of homework turned into all-nighters. Mental breakdowns over missing work. Frequent anxieties over C grades. This was my life senior year. People on the same path as me have committed suicide. Others stay silent, choosing to ignore their feelings. It was only in the beginning of this year that I talked to a counselor. As I attempt to unravel my problems of identity issues and relationships, I have found that my mind is often more doomsday than my actual life is. I choose to acknowledge this and move on. I remember that I have a large support network. That there are people who care about me, and want me to succeed.
So, how did I get here? Everything I did up to this point. What is right next to me? Everything that's in the present. And what do I do now? Taking everything as it comes. Bit by bit, one step at a time. One step after another. One two, one two. Somehow, I have faith this will work out in the end.
