After my first year of independence at college, I found myself walking back into my high school bedroom. The shrine of my old life. I feel like I am mourning the girl I used to be and the girl I thought I was going to be in college while also trying to come to terms with the fact that I am not that person anymore. It is proving to be harder than expected and I think that is because I don't want to let go of the shell of the girl I used to be. So innocent, full of love and life and it feels like my freshman year at college has sucked all of that out of me.
I had so many ideas of how I thought my freshman year was going to go. This year, I experienced the highest highs and lowest lows of my whole life. I was on my colleges dance team, was mysteriously recruited for D3 Golf, made new friends, and had experiences I never thought I would experience. I try to focus on these good things. I could sit here and write about all the bad I faced this year. And trust me, it was a lot. But if I did that, I'm not sure it would help who I am now heal. I vowed to myself that I would take this summer to rediscover myself while acknowledging that I have made mistakes, like any other human has done, but to be easy on myself. I was trying to make everyone around me happy even if that meant losing myself. But now, this summer is time to heal myself.
If I am being honest, I came home this summer not recognizing myself anymore. It is so easy to sit and think about the "what if's?" and with all the free time I have had this summer, I find myself doing this a lot. There are things I wish I said, things I wish I did and did not do. These thoughts keep me up most nights. But this summer has been a chance for me to rediscover myself. I rejoined my community yoga studio, visited my family I have never met in Greece and sat, thought and contemplated a million times over what I could have done differently this year. I am still coming to terms with everything that has happened this year while also attempting to finding myself at the same time. The healing process has included tears, time to reflect on the good times and the bad but still I remain grateful for all the lessons I have learned this year. This summer has been a lonely one. It hurts knowing that in a few short months, I will see people living the life I was supposed to live. But I am a true believer in when one door closes, another opens. While it is nerve wracking waiting for that moment to finally happen, I know that when it comes, I'll be the girl I am meant to be, all because of the summer after freshman year.
