Self-care is overall a hard concept, and it’s really weird to think about when you break it down.
It's almost like you can say, "why wouldn't you want to take care of yourself?" But, it's so much more complex than that.
Your body tells you when you’re hungry, your body tries to keep you warm, tries to fight off so many illnesses all for you so you can survive.
But in return, you judge it.
You hate it.
You want to change it and mutilate it.
You want to kill it because you can’t stand the skin that you’re in.
But that skin loves you.
But all of these other thoughts will mess with your head until it devours you because there's so much more to mental illnesses than hating yourself.
Let's break away from the self-hatred idea for a second so I can tell you a bit about what some mental illnesses may feel like.
Now, if you suffer from a mental illness you’ve probably had many “fake shifts”
I found that term from the book “It’s Kind Of A Funny Story” by Ned Vizzini a while ago, and since then, it seems to be the only way I know how to explain this feeling.
In short, it’s when out of nowhere you feel great. Better than you have in a while and you know it’s not real, it’s your mind playing tricks on you.
You have so much energy that you want to change your whole life.
With fake shifts usually, you’ll crash again and sometimes worse than before.
So here's the thing about me, as I'm writing this article, I recognize these things, but I’m not better.
Being aware does not mean that you’re better.
This is one of the biggest obstacles when it comes to mental illnesses. If you’re not self-aware then the road to getting better and learning how to manage your illness is next to impossible.
I was in denial for four years. Sometimes I feel like I still can be.
When I got to a very low point and felt that there was either life or death, I found something that seemed worth something.
I don’t know how it was sparked, but I stopped assuming every single person that tried getting close to me had bad intentions.
I stopped shutting every single person in my life out.
I haven't changed entirely, but I'm thankful for the changes that have happened so far.
I can actually see tomorrow, and it’s not an abyss all the time like it used to be.
There are still plenty of things I still struggle with. However, I now know that I can actually do something about a good chunk of them.
I have Persistent Depressive Disorder (dysthymia), which is a chronic form of depression in which a person's mood in consistently relatively low.
For me, that means it’s always grey. Neutral most of the time...even when I shouldn't be.
I have decent days, I have bad days, I have low days, most times, I have just days.
It means nothing good or bad, and it’s pretty numb.
However, what I found was something constant that I allowed myself to focus on long enough to recognize that the world can be beautiful. I remember thinking that I wanted to see it every day.
It wasn’t in a person either, as strange as it may sound, it was the sky. How it looked when the sun rose and when the sun set.
My point is, there are beautiful things out there, and you need to be able to find something that can help you open up your eyes.
It's good to be able to see something so you know there is something out there for you.
I’m not saying think positively and you won’t feel bad ever again at all. I know it’s up and down and sometimes there really is nothing you can do except allow the emotions to be what they are. But trying to change the things you actually can change can help you a lot.
It’s hard to believe in anything when you’re stuck in darkness unless you push.
I’m always tired so I know for sure pushing yourself and finding motivation is extremely hard, but you need to start somewhere — that’s the point of this.
You’ll always be a victim of your mental illness, in some way shape or form it will control an aspect of your life, and that's OK.
But you don’t need to be the victim in the sense that it destroys every relationship you develop with everyone you meet because it’s not fair to you or them.
Loving someone can't be enough, you need to be able to have healthy relationships where you aren't second guessing everything all of the time.
You can't destroy others and call that love.
It’s a long journey to even consider your self-worth, but don’t push others away and destroy a good thing because of it.
Because they think you're beautiful, don’t undermine them.
If they see your potential and you don’t, don’t accuse them of lying.
You’re the one accusing yourself of being unworthy of anything.
I’m not even halfway to decent self-care or thinking of myself positively, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying.
I’ve noticed by undermining myself I manipulate other people's words when they haven’t even said anything.
I look for an underlying cause or reason as to why they gave me a compliment, and a lot of times they just say things sincerely...there’s nothing else to say about it.
Take the time for yourself, and if right now you can’t do it for you, hold onto something or someone you want to do it for. Then, you’ll soon start to see you’re doing it for yourself too.
There will always be fallbacks, there always is when it comes to mental illnesses. You won’t be cured, and there is no quick fix.
However, you have the power to manage some aspects and try to swim towards the shore.
The waves are still there, but at least you’ll be able to stand up instead of always drowning.
You are who you are, and you can’t change that.
It’s time to consider the process of letting yourself grow and to be a part of something you never thought you could be a part of.
I hope soon you'll be able to say “tomorrow” and know you’ll actually be alive to see it.