I was in a relationship for over four years. I have been single for a year now, however I still find myself struggling. I find myself being afraid to welcome new people into my life, smiling too much in their presence when I do, and getting attached to them. Even with a year of healing time, I find myself confused, nervous, anxious, and unable to completely commit to something as intense as my last. Starting again is hard and I am not really sure if I am doing it right.

The heartbreak I experienced had me wondering where it all went wrong, from crying on the bathroom floor and then pretending like everything was okay — the break up was drawn out and super complicated. I remember repeating the same abusive cycle of breaking down then fixing the problem multiple times. I can say I really tried to make it work and I didn't give up on something that meant a lot. I couldn't come to a conclusion when it came to understanding why I would give up on something I once spent so much time on to keep going. It affected my emotional, physical, and societal well being.

Now that I have nothing to loose, am free from the negative influence the break up had on me, and have regained love in myself — I am ready to start again.

I didn't change, I just found myself. I recovered and discovered new things that nourished my soul and brought me joy. Writing has been a strong outlet to help me resurrect my love for myself. Aside from writing, I have noticed meditating, reconstructing my relationships with friends and family, and reading psychologically advancing books have helped me feel like a stronger more superior person that I was after my relationship ended.

However, I must admit I feel anxious about my new beginnings. When I look at the bright side of things, I can say there is no such thing as "going back to square one." Although I feel like I am starting over, I have gained more knowledge, strength, and power.

But it's weird because I feel like I can't. Like I don't know how. Like I am doing it wrong. I feel ashamed for beginning again, for taking the steps to find someone else, for building something bigger and better than before. It's easy to replay how things didn't work, how much I have lost, or how angry I was. There is no conversation or magic that will wipe my slate clean. I know I am wasting valuable time and energy that could be used to regain a new normal and start another version of my life. I am trying to face what has happen and make the decision to start over again but why hasn't it worked out? I honestly don't think I'll believe I can truly start again until I meet someone who turns all my unresolved conflicts with love to another direction.

I need to stop kicking myself when I am down, when I am up, or when I am in between. It's time for a new beginning.