Recently, an old interest had blocked me over the fact that I called her attractive on her social media accounts while sharing with her inside jokes that used to make her laugh. I have been uneasy about putting this out there- I haven't had the time to collect my thoughts and I don't think that it is really appropriate to put old business out there. After all, I have been talking to a young woman more my age recently who goes to Temple- and is probably mad at me for protesting (that is a whole other story). Age will be a major theme in this discussion; remember that now. Here is a timeline of events as I see it:

Around Valentine's Day earlier this year (2016), I was taking psychology courses while working in the cafeteria at Baldwin Wallace University. I stumbled upon Campus Crusade. Myself and Cru people would always hang out and it was always a good time. I remember that in the card games we used to play, there was this one particularly boisterous and sassy brunette (I have a thing for brunettes) that would always really get into the game. She was about 18 or 19 and taking a gap year between high school and college. At some point, she started getting really friendly with me and making me let her give me rides to and from the various hangouts. She even convinced me to raise support for her because she was planning on going to a summer mission in Chicago. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable on account of the fact I'm 27 and a loser. What in the heck does she see in me? Doesn't she have some young man that she can run off to? Around this time, I remember getting drunk while group chatting my siblings, and I just let out the insecurity that I was feeling about the situation. My siblings have supported me through this, and realize that this uneasiness is partially because of the way we were raised.

In spite of doing everything within myself to fight the developing feeling, I caught feelings. The people around me and Rachel caught wind of what was happening. One friend of mine, Brian was his name, told me to pump the brakes on account of the age difference- while introducing me to girls about the same age. Consequentially, when he asked for support raising money for his mission to Croatia, I ignored his message. This coupled with the fact I'm a college graduate and stuck in minimum wage work with no respect being paid to me was what propelled me to finally take the financial risk and apply to grad school. I needed a new space and new challenges.

However, Drexel did not accept me until the last minute because they thought that one of my recommendations were fake- yet apparently an old professor of mine who has since passed away vouched for me. With that being the case, working at BW was stretched out about three or four more months.

So while Rachel was on her missions trip in Chicago and I was transitioning from the dishwashing role to the role of receiving clerk, I was writing her letters with the aim of telling her off gently. Meanwhile, a mutual acquaintance of ours, Kevin- who is significantly older than me- likes a lot of Rachel's pictures on her social media accounts while posting real estate listings in Chicago on his social media accounts.

As the school year started back up, I was faced with the decision of dropping out of BW in order to take what Drexel was offering me, as Drexel accepted me two and a half weeks before classes started. I remember telling Rachel about the Drexel situation (but not the real reason why I was applying) and I remember her being very encouraging about making the decision that I felt was the best for me. Meanwhile, I started to notice Rachel trying to talk to AJ. Though I didn't want to see them hugging all over each other and I'm not sure if she knows that he's gay, it was the best thing to relieve pressure off that situation.

All this being said, I'm kind of surprised that she's blocked me- she was the one driving this car! And to top it off, Kevin's added her mom recently! But then again, with growing up, you realize that a lot of what you thought were good times, really you got played on some level. So I shouldn't be surprised that there's probably some hurt there.

Resolved: hopefully with the next one, I don't have to be left wondering where I went wrong. Hopefully, the next one has the maturity to discuss issues. Perhaps it's been the age bracket I've been chasing. In contrast, mom thinks I just need a normal girl. I think, rather, that it has more to do with age.