As a person who spends a lot of time in Starbucks, mostly gazing off into space waiting for an article idea to come to me, I consider myself a regular coffee-shop anthropologist.
Having sampled many coffee shops, I finally found my home at the end of the long wooden farm tables featured in most Starbucks. I have since sampled countless Starbucks locations, and have noticed a certain set of regular characters any coffee enthusiast will know and love.
The Impossibly Ancient Man. This guy is camped out in one of the few coveted armchairs in the store, probably because he was the first one in the door and hasn’t budged since. He will often be found reading the paper, donning an unseasonable cable-knit sweater and sipping his black coffee at the rate of a Galapagos tortoise.
The Teen/Preteen Clique. This demographic calls the space officially dedicated to the coffee line home. Chattering and bobbing self-consciously, they make themselves known as they wait for their unneeded daily dose of caffeine and sugar.
The Old Lady Date. More fairly named the middle aged-to-old lady date, these patrons belly up to the bar for “skinny” versions of the more decadent menu items. They sip their treats from the safety of the two-person tables, judging the attire of the preteen crowd from behind their polo collars. If you’re a sucker for dog talk or suburban scandals, plant yourself near these two.
The Workaholic. Whether this regular takes the form of a middle-aged man, an ambitious young professional, or a student always looking to get ahead, workaholics log long hours in their posts, often to the dismay of their loved ones. Don’t be surprised when they pick up a call from an angry family member and have to dash out spy-style.
The Yoga Mom. You knew this one was coming. Often traipsing in with the whole stroller in tow, Lululemon-clad young mothers are known to make multiple runs daily to their neighborhood watering hole.
The Extrovert. This is a person of any age; the only requirement is that they make conversation with just about anyone who enters the door. They seem to have no concept of the demographics that come to Starbucks for peace and quiet and to get work done, and will even take on the bold task of chatting up the workaholic.
The Gamer. Working solo or in pairs, gamers are attracted to the free Wi-Fi in Starbucks. If in pairs, they are known to talk strategy loudly, probably cognizant of the fact that no one else can make sense of what they’re saying. Gamers will only purchase something when they’ve spent so much time there that they need a meal.
The Regular. This is a person who really feels at home in Starbucks. They may not stay for long or order extravagant drinks, but the sheer frequency of their visits is sure to make a dent in their coffee fund. They have been known to waltz in simply to “check in” with their favorite employees, and are deeply wounded when the barista can’t remember their “usual.”
The Person Inventing the Next Internet. For a span of two to three weeks, this one is a reliable fixture in the corner of the store where no one can see what he's feverishly typing. Ever mysterious, he seldom looks up from his screen and speaks only to refresh his black coffee. He's known to camp out for all hours, but one day will disappear as suddenly as he arrived.
The Strangers. Since it serves as such a community common ground, Starbucks has been the home of many an awkward first encounter. Whether it’s a job interview, a first date, or other odd couple, it’s safe to bet that these strangers aren’t making any progress on their drinks.
The Nanny Who’s Having a Bad Day. Bursting through the door and releasing her charges every which way, this caretaker has been drained of activities and energy. She can’t possibly come up with another rainy-day game, so the day’s next event is watching her drain a Venti in under five minutes.
The Hipster. This one just oozes the “coffee-shop” vibe, and loves spending his days reading everything alternative or provocative and making the elderly couples uncomfortable. The only problem for this individual is that Starbucks is, in fact, extremely mainstream.
The Person You Don’t Want to See. There is a catch to having limitless coffee concoctions on every corner – you’re guaranteed to see that one person who makes you squeam, especially if you had too much fun last night.
Love them or hate them, these are the Starbucks staples, and perhaps the reason they’re starting to open more drive-thru stores.
