It is a sad day for coffee drinkers everywhere, folks. On the heels of another successful run by Starbucks with its popular Pumpkin Spice Latte, the coffee conglomerate came out and created something so heinous, so vile, so revolting, that it can only be summed up with one image:
That's right, Starbucks has taken Christmas away from the consumer. They have pulled the greatest yule-tide heist since the Grinch pillaged Whoville in that famous book (whatever it was called). Gone are the snowflakes, gone are the sleighs, gone are all of the essential things that made Christmas, well, Christmas. This is another attempt by Big Brother to come along and take away our Christmas spirit while getting ready for the next season of his show (again, the name escapes me). We have one man to thank for revealing the truth to us, a saint with a coffee sleeve, the man who takes no crap while wearing a red ball cap, this fine scholar:
Clearly, the revealing of such a truth has left this intelligent man with a dropped jaw and a lazy eye. But I digress. In a now viral video, the man above (who choose to be nameless because he clearly dignifies humility in these situations) went to his local Starbucks and was baffled by the mere nakedness of Holly Jolly spirit on his Starbucks cup. In response, he delivered one of his best zingers: he told the staff that his name was "Merry Christmas" so that they would write the words on the cup, effectively keeping the season of Christmas alive and well.
Yet, I believe the problems with the Cups from Hell go beyond merely being blank. They represent a moral decay that must be addressed. There is a conspiracy afoot, perhaps at the government level. For example, watch what happened when one of my geometrical strategists analyzed the cup;
That triangle right there? That's pure Illuminati. If you look at the emblem itself, it is full of triangles, so it's not just the Illuminati, it's Illuminatiception. Yet consider the history of the Starbucks emblem. The emblem takes its roots from Greek mythology, a paganistic religion whose only contribution to the arts was the Disney movie Hercules! So that Pumpkin Spice Latte you enjoy drinking? That PSL might as well stand for Pagan Sinful Lucifer. Just look at that vengeful woman throwing her gang signs up, mocking us coffee drinkers.
When will it end? The soulless expression of the cup represents the soullessness of America, the land of the free and home of the Whopper, and corporations like Starbucks will not rest until Christmas becomes yet another curse word in our vernacular. In fact, the process has already started. Just look at what is replacing Christmas as the "hip, new alternative":
Frozen is advocating for us to "let it go" alright, let go of our chestnuts. Pretty soon, if Starbucks and other companies have their way, we won't even be allowed to have Christmas trees, one of the essential industries along the Appalachian mountains. We will all be forced to turn to abstract religions like Festivus, and who wants to celebrate Christmas with a pole?
Once they have taken our coffee cups, chestnuts, sleigh rides, and Christmas trees, they will take out the most important aspect of Christmas, the single most motivating factor for the season, the presents.
And, finally, when you've been beaten down to a snowy pulp, you will be greeted by the heinous last words you never want to hear by the most unpleasant of beings (Warning: viewer discretion advised):
The masterful Mr. Red Cap has given us a lot to think about, ladies and gentlemen. Starbucks is clearly at war with the entire Christian community. They have taken away our snowflakes and festivities. If it continues, we will lose our trees, our presents, and even the ability to say "Merry Christmas" on our ugly sweaters. Because that's what the spirit of Christmas is about, right? Don't let the Buddhists tell you that it is about the birth of our Lord and Savior, or that it is about the spirit of philanthropy, of community, or of family. They are wrong. It is about the presents. And it all begins with one red cup.
Feel offended? Believe that I may be onto something? Comment below or on any of the social media platforms this article is on, and enjoy your PSL!
