1. The Creepy Dad
“Hi, my name is Dan. I have two loves in life and they are tucking my shirt into a sturdy pair of Levi’s and the sweet moment of silence when my terrible trophy-wife-gone-wrong Karen stops talking. I’m going to stand as close as I possibly can without touching you so you can really smell my stale coffee breath and ask you exactly where I can find another pair of Levi's, even though I’ve been to this store nine times this month, which is plenty of times to know where the Levi’s are located. After I’ve found enough tacky blue jeans, I’m going to check out with the youngest female associate for creepy reasons. Notice how I wink after every sentence? I sure don’t.”
2. The Suburban Wife
“My name is Karen and I came in here knowing exactly what I want. Do I know where to find it? Of course I don’t. That is why I expect you, a lowly associate, to find everything I want, even if you don’t actually work in the department I want. I’ve been drunk off of terrible wine since 9 a.m. this morning because my life as a stay-at-home-mom turned out to be really depressing. Why is this taking so long? If I don’t get out of here soon, I’ll be late to my hair appointment, and if I don’t get highlights in my bob haircut, then Gretchen in the PTA will definitely notice it and I’ll be a laughing stock for WEEKS. I have been standing in line for TWO WHOLE MINUTES and as an upper-middle class white lady that is just unacceptable for me. I have four separate coupons that I’d like to spread out on four different transactions. WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY COUPONS AREN’T VALID? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NIKE IS EXCLUDED? CALL YOUR MANAGER RIGHT NOW. Yes, hello, this girl told me she won’t use my coupon. Oh, Nike is excluded? Oh, okay, I wish she would have told me that, thank you. Here, throw in this Minecraft t-shirt for my awful son, Kevin, who has called me a b*tch to my face three times today. Also, here is my business card. I sell makeup for Mary Kay. I realize this makes me a businesswoman as much as visiting China makes you Chinese. Let me insert a backhanded comment here about me LOVING to give you a makeover.”
3. The Annoying Kid/Demon
“My name is Kevin. I came here with my parents, and while I won’t actually talk to you, I will yell at my mom and stare you directly in the eyes while I knock over an entire pile of nicely folded clothes. I have probably called several people racist slurs over Xbox live in the past couple of days. My parents are going to be really disappointed when I turn out to be an aggressive middle-aged man with no talent or money living in their basement.”
4. The Wannabe Scam Artist
“Hi, I’m Tiffany. My eye shadow makes me look like a coked out raccoon and my extensions are clearly visible though my overly bleached hair. I should really not be wearing cheetah print at my age, but I will anyway. I totally bought this expensive blender a few days ago and now I don’t want it. I definitely didn’t steal it. I don’t have a receipt so I want store credit. I know I tried to buy something with a fake check a few days ago, but there’s no need to call your manager for this. Oh, you’re calling you manager? Okay, never mind, I’m just going to quickly exit and probably try to come back in a few days.”
5. The Sweet Grandparents
“Hello dear, my name is Marlene. Or Darla. Or Brenda. Really, just any name that sounds like I can make a really good green bean casserole. I just want to buy an outfit for my grandchild. I will write you a check that has little cherubs on it while my tiny, little old people hands shake. My husband Earl will smile and tell you what we are doing for the holidays. He will thank you and I will compliment your hair or something when I’m finished. We are a shining example of what old people should be.”
6. Evil Grandmother/Probably Just Satan
“Hi. My name is also Marlene/Darla/Brenda. I am an old crow/ Lucifer’s great grandmother. If Hitler and Stalin had a love child, that child could only ever become my second-in-command, seeing how the sheer amount of terror I’m about to unleash is unmatchable. I’m going to glare at you while you ring up my separate transactions and become absolutely furious when I can’t use some of my coupons. When your manager comes over, my fury will only intensify. I will swear to never shop here again while my husband will say something racist/sexist/homophobic. We are a shining example of what old people should not be.”
