Maybe I had watched "The Matrix" one too many times as a kid, but there was a time when I really believed I could fly. I don’t think I’ve told anyone this before — probably due to its embarrassing and tragic outcome — but I will tell you. Why, you ask? Why tell you, a complete stranger, when I haven’t even told my family and closest friends? No idea.
When I was about six or seven, we had a decent swing set in our yard that my brothers and I enjoyed playing on, before the neighbor kids broke it. (This is why we can’t have nice things).
I don’t know, really, what inspired me. I do think it might have been "The Matrix." Apparently I wasn’t discouraged by Neo’s first failed attempt at the jump program because I tried it anyway. When no one was around, I climbed the bars of my swing set, and stood confident, a whopping eight feet off the ground. Taking the words of Morpheus to heart, I attempted to free my mind of any fear or doubt and visualized my success. It was a glorious vision of my small self, sailing through the skies, free as a bird. And so I jumped.
This is where I assume most of you have seen one of the greatest movies of all time, "Toy Story." And if you have, you know why I’m bringing it up at this particular point in the story.
I’ve seen a lot of movies, but I don’t think I have seen a more heartbreaking scene than when Buzz Lightyear jumps from the railing in Sid’s house, utterly confident in his ability to fly through the open window. And when he falls, lying broken on the ground, he stays there, dazed and destroyed in the rubble of his defeat.
That is a somewhat accurate description of how it went down for me, minus the broken arm. Though you may be shedding tears by now at my younger self's pathetic attempt at flight, there is something in this memory that strikes me as priceless: my child-like faith.
It’s crazy how easy it is for children to believe things. Even in junior high I was often called “gullible” because my worldly knowledge was sorely lacking. (That’s what happens when the majority of your social life is spent in the 18th century with people that don’t exist. Thank you, Jane Austen. Because of you, boys could never meet my Mr. Darcy-inspired-standards).
As a kid, my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I quickly informed her of my desire to be an actress, singer and model. However, recently, someone asked me roughly the same question. What were my hopes and dreams for the future? I think they were expecting some adventurous and ambitious answer, but I think I surprised them (and myself) with the simplicity and sincerity of my response.
“I just want to please God, really,” I said.
I mean, what could be cooler than to cause a smile to spread across the face of the King of the Universe?!
I don’t care if this goal makes me look silly, naïve or just plain crazy in the world’s eyes. They’re not the ones who died for me on a cross or who hold the keys to my eternity. They’re not the ones who gave me breath in which to speak, a mind in which to write these words and a heart in which to live and feel all that life has to offer.
A couple days after realizing my life’s ambition, I was reading my Bible and discovered how to make all my dreams come true. Hebrews 11:6 says,
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”
This was a familiar verse to me, but when I read it that morning, the heavens parted and revelation ensued. Like my favorite "Princess Bride" line, I thought, “Inconceivable!” All I need is just one virtue to fulfill my heart’s greatest desire!?
Then, I thought to myself, “Well I better start figuring out what this faith thing is, and how I can get loads of it!”
The first question was easy enough to answer. What is faith?
“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see” (Hebrews 11:1).
But how can I get it?
I’m still working on that part, but only because I’m discovering it’s a lot like a car. You can’t just drive around town for weeks and not have your fuel run out. You have to go to the gas station and fill up your tank with a special liquid that causes your vehicle to function to its best ability.
Our special liquid happens to be “living water” (John 4:14). And every morning, if we want to serve God with a full tank and to our best ability, we must go to Him. For He is the only One who can fill our spirits with this life-giving fuel (John 14:6).
So, to fill yourself with God, it seems only logical that we go to His Word, which is said to embody Him: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (John 1:1).
So, now I know where to get my faith-fuel, but what exactly does it look like? (I’m a writer - I need imagery.)
Well, according to Matthew 18:3, I need to have a little talk with my child-self.
"Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
I would ask my younger self how she got the courage to jump from the highest bar of the swing set. I would ask her what really possessed her to think she could fly. And no, "The Matrix" will not suffice as an answer.
Last week, I had the immense pleasure to speak with an elderly woman of great faith. Her life story is more intense and unbelievable than any movie I’ve ever seen (and I’ve seen a lot). Her advice to me in regards to my fears for the future was, to my relief and surprise, simple.
“Walk by faith daily. Then, eventually, you will get to where He wants you to be. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now.”
Immediately, it was as if the elephant of anxiety got hungry and leaped off my back in search of better food. For I was all out of fears to feed him.
I felt lighter like I could jump this time, and truly fly. But I know now that I cannot fly on my own. Only when I let God carry my weight - all my fears and doubts and uncertainties - will I gain the wings to fly. "For his yoke is easy to bear, and his burden is light” (Matthew 11:30).
Sometimes my brain is a stubborn child who refuses to go to bed. “But, Abbie! I’m not tired yet!” It insists. “Just five more minutes!” It pleads. This probably sounds achingly familiar to parents.
But it is in these times that some of the best thinking is done, which really doesn’t matter if you can’t remember it in the morning. However, I was able to salvage a few pieces of my thoughts to share with you.
I was thinking about the emotions that come with all types of relationships. And I found something in common with all of them.
When we care enough about someone, we become sad when they become sad. We feel hurt when they feel hurt. I suppose that is just the definition of empathy. But it seems to me, even people who have no experience with this emotion, feel it in waves when a person they care about is having a rough time. All of a sudden, they know what it feels like to want to take a person’s pain and feel it for them.
This is where my revelation came.
It makes sense that we want to carry our loved ones’ burdens, for we were made in the image of the ultimate Burden Carrier! Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends” (John 15:13). If Jesus loves us enough to die for us, how can we not believe that that he also wants to carry our burdens as well!
Even as a kid, I had trouble accepting gifts. I remember my uncle got me a Barbie for my birthday once, and I cried and gave it back to him! What kind of kid does that? And even now, I feel bad when someone pays for my meal or opens the door for me. So you can imagine how hard it is for me to accept this unconditional love from God that I could never deserve.
But I’m learning how to be a child again. Children are completely dependent on their parents for everything. They know and naturally accept their love. They know that when they fall, their parents will always be there to bandage them up. That is child-like faith. Coming to your Father as you are, no matter what you’ve done, no matter how far you fall, because you know without a doubt, He will pick you up again. In fact, He never let go.
I challenge you to be like a child again. Give your Father in Heaven all that is weighing you down. For He wants to carry it! He loves you with an undying love. His thoughts about you are precious and many! Quite literally, He is in love with you. He writes you a love letter every morning, using the sky as paper and the sun as ink. When you can finally let go and just enjoy the abundant life he has in store for you, you will experience a joy that no one - not even death, nor life, nor angels, nor demons, nor your past, nor your fears for the future - can take away from you.
“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.”
Psalm 34:4-5
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow — not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”
Romans 8:38
