behind the narcissist is a world of mystery. there are closed doors and windows, hidden passages and secrets that never come to light.
trust: an illusion. at the beginning of the relationship, during the idealization phase, the predator makes you their confidant, consults you about their things, talks to you about their concerns and their dreams, are expressive, open and even transparent.
often appealing to your more empathetic side, they present themselves to you as a victim in need of support and attention.
not surprisingly, you take the bait, you’re usually a generous person, the apparent trust the narcissist places in you makes you feel special, that you sincerely believe you’re important to them, since you like to be reciprocal in your relationships, you’re likely to go out on a limb too, and end up entrusting your personal affairs to the abuser.
it’s all an illusion. the narcissist will only let you know about their life what suits them, according to the agenda they have with you. they don’t have any genuine interest in your stuff, they just collect information about you and take note of your vulnerabilities, they’ll use that knowledge when they want to provoke your emotional reactions and use you as a fuel, that’s all.
the victim’s detectiveness. during the phase of denigration, the narcissist will begin to behave in a paradoxical way, disappear without giving explanations, be taciturn, possibly make hurtful comments and then combine them with apparent flattery and approaches. you will feel that something is going on behind the scenes, that trust they placed in you at first will seem to fade away, it will make you doubt; “are they hiding something from me? have they withdrawn their confidence in me, am i no longer special?” — confusion and bewilderment are served.
it’s at this stage that many victims become detectives. never in their previous relationships have they shown signs of being particularly jealous or suspicious, yet now, under the abusive regime of the narcissist, uneasiness takes hold of them in such a way that they begin to secretly spy on their abuser’s steps.
in not a few cases this behavior becomes obsessive, the victim feels anxious, needs to know, needs to compulsively watch the steps of the abuser, analyze their photos on social networks, check their cell phone status, etc. the person tortures themselves by drawing conclusions about this or that, about what they said or didn’t say, who they talked to, where they were,...
it’s a malevolent trap, concocted by the narcissist. its aim is to manipulate, control and dominate the victim’s attention. they deliberately act in an ambiguous and contradictory manner, appears and disappears, mentions people or places, makes insinuations, omits data, is mysterious, reserved, etc. they know perfectly well the anxiety that all this generates in the victim, and that is why they do it precisely to feel important and superior, and thus obtain a delicious fuel. it is probable that, cynically, at some point they accuse the victim of overreacting or have become paranoid.
the secret life of the narcissist. this nightmare lasts until the victim begins to open their eyes, and realize the perverse game of narcissism. their relationship, from beginning to end, is one big lie. they find out, for example, that narcissists often lead double and even triple lives, and that they do not account to anyone for their actions. retaining information about themselves, acting with secrecy, makes them feel superior and in control.
in addition, they often compartmentalize their lives, making sure that different scenarios do not intersect.
this secrecy helps them to feel protected and to maintain the facade, at the same time that it gives them freedom to move and to devote themselves to what concerns them most: to look for alternative sources of fuel.
we would be surprised to see, for example, how at the same time that they are cruelly devaluing a victim, venting all their hatred on them, they show themselves to be a kind and sweet suitor with their new prospect, flirts with other females, harasses someone on the internet, or behaves like an exemplary citizen in a neighbourhood assembly. all, perhaps, in the same day, and with different masks.
we only see one face, but they never show all sides of the cube.
wanting to find out the steps of a narcissist is a useless task. today we’ll see them with a new partner, simulating a sparkling happiness, the next day they’ll erase the photos, and for a while we won’t know anything, then they’ll be radiant again in a public act. believe me, it’s not worth spying on them, nobody really knows what’s really going on in this character’s life.
they’ll fool you, you and everyone else, over and over again, by giving false leads. if they suspect that you are still spying on them, they will try to hurt you by, for example, showing themselves to be overly happy with their new purchase.
anyone who has a relationship with a narcissist is condemned to live in this climate of unrest and anxiety, and will be forced to act as a detective many times over.
this is because narcissists do not know how to relate to each other in any other way, they will never report their steps or account to anyone for their actions, they equate information with control, and they never give up an inch of it in their relationships.
these are the facts that must be accepted. if either party in a relationship has to behave like a detective, it is an indicator that the precious treasure of trust no longer exists, without which no relationship is possible.
there is nothing new in the life of a narcissist. there are victims who are so used to being on the lookout for the narcissist that they are reluctant to take the plunge and break off all contact with their abuser, especially on social networks. it’s time for them to get out of the spell, and stop paying attention to the narcissist, it’s a requirement of no contact and essential to get rid of anxiety and break the traumatic bond.
warrior, forget it, you’ll never find anything new in the life of a narcissist. they’re fuel-hungry lone wolves. their existence is always a lie upon a lie.
