*It has taken me many weeks to be able to even think about writing down my feelings and thoughts about the missed opportunity of my own marriage.*

**I was angry at the time this was written. It is mainly a rant, but if you absolutely need to know more about this, please adress me and not any rumor.**

It is painful for me to even start to write any of this, but it is something that needs to be expressed.

I was supposed to get married on October 8th, 2016.

I found the venue, looked at dresses, went to some bridal shows, paid for some entertainment, but it never ended up happening.

I became engaged during May 2015 and spent the next year and a half planning and thinking about the wedding of my dreams. I didn't want anything extreme, I didn't want a destination wedding, and I didn't mind having a low budget due to our ages and lack of income. I have seen for myself both extremes for weddings. Some are okay with rolling up to the court house with two witnesses, and others spend $1,000,000 or more.

For probably any women, this day is a dream, something to look forward to once it becomes a possibility. Then, all of a sudden, the entire dream gets ripped away and put on hold until further notice. In military terms, this means never. UNLESS you can find a day or two that he can be available and present long enough to say I do. This only happens for a lucky few.

I was ripped away from my hope of marriage when I found out my fiance was getting deployed. This is just part of military life, though, right? It can be put off to another time, more convenient for the military, right?

This only began the issues. This wasn't the start of my pain either. Even for normal couples, there is a period of questioning if this is the right path for you. If this really meant to be if every obstacle is standing in the way? Also for normal couples, they can talk about these worries and eliminate the doubt on the spot. For military SOs, this isn't possible. We are lucky nowadays because wifi is a thing. Back when the internet wasn't easily accessible by cellular devices, snail mail was the only means of communication. Even with messaging over the internet, to any country in the world, everyone should know by now that relationships don't thrive over the phone.

How can I talk about my future and the rest of my life with someone through texting and poor quality phone calls that only happen maybe once a month? How is a marriage supposed to work when we can't and don't talk, when we don't see each other, or when we can't express our concerns any longer? We can't grow together into the people we are meant to be?

A spouse should be someone who can support you, care for you, and be there for you in person!

I will be married to a ghost. Or I thought I was going to be.

People change, their minds change, and at the end of the day, human beings are selfish. We do what we think is right before thinking about another person.

Now that the military has kept me from getting married, the minds in this relationship have changed. I don't want to force someone to stay with me if they don't want to be anymore. I don't want to be in a marriage if the other half doesn't want to participate.

As a catholic, marriage is a sacrament. It is binding two people in the eyes of God, and it is for life. Why would I want to start my life with someone when the same importance and thought isn't put into our future together.

To get engaged is the promise of getting married and beginning a life shared together. I don't believe in staying engaged for years because it is no different than dating at that point. Dating is meant to end in marriage when you have found the right person. That is the whole point of dating!

To me, once engaged, it is the time to start planning for a future wedding - elaborate or not. It is the time between making the choice to take the next step and actually getting married. It should not be a waiting, trial period.

When doubts arise, and I cannot talk through these doubts with my fiance, it becomes a daily struggle filled with constant questioning. It is hard to be in a relationship that seems to not be progressing anymore, and one that involves someone who is never around -- a ghost.

Beginning May 2015, I said yes because I was ready to begin my life with another person. I was ready to begin and grow together. I still am to this day, which is why this all brings so much pain to my life. Although I am ready, the other person may not be anymore. But this is life, right? We live through pain and become stronger.