After my first marriage failed worse than Crystal Pepsi, my current wife became the most inspiring woman I'd ever met. Now, granted, what sparked my entry to college wasn't necessarily my wife, but she takes a good portion of the credit. I have to give her an ample amount of it otherwise I’ll get shot that look that reminds me of what’s truly at stake.
What made me go to college was Cancer. Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (B-cell, Cutaneous) to be exact. I was diagnosed on May 20th, 2014, just 10 days shy of my first wedding anniversary and a little over a month after my father passed away.
My dad was gone and wasn’t available to me anymore. I had to start living with the fact that I had a disease that has the capability of ending my life short of what I expected it to be. Having to tell my mother that her youngest has Cancer, roughly a month after her husband dropped dead right in front of her very eyes, wasn’t fun either. My brain failed to keep hold of the old me at that point.
I thought that I had things under control and I didn't have to worry anymore. For years I had to claw my way back to some measure of stability, and that flew out of the window. “Man, give me three to five really good years.” Those words rattled in my head for months after the diagnosis/death combo that ruined my entire year. I've had several consecutive bad years in a row, now this? I then had to sit across from my then 16-year-old daughter and tell her that her “big teddy bear” had the big C.
I can only imagine what went on in her dirty blond hair-covered head. That tiny girl who held my middle and ring finger whenever she walked with me as a small child.
I'd had enough. The dead end jobs, the false sense of having made progress, the lies that I'd told myself just had to stop. Sitting in my living room one day I started talking to my wife about going back to school. Every step of the way she supported my idea. Granted she had to do a little pushing, but I blame that on the old part of me that lingers like that smell of old fried fish being heated in a microwave. I remember the day I came in to register for classes. When I was done, I was smirking from the admissions office all the way back home. I was now a registered student of LaGuardia Community College…less than half a mile away from the high school where I had dropped out.
Occasionally, people have asked "What would you do if you could go back in time and see the younger you?" Well, there's a scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Ellis "Red" Redding, played by Morgan Freeman, is at his final parole meeting. His words strike me with the force of a hammer, and conveys what my soul wishes: "I wanna talk to him. I wanna try to talk some sense to him -- tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left."
The sentiment that Morgan Freeman's character expresses is impactful. I feel the desperation from his words. The essence of it dripping like tears. Alas, the effort is wasted because we're not capable of doing such things. And I'm happy that I can't. I know I wouldn't have accomplished a thing if I could go back in time. I might have a different life, but I wouldn't have my life. I'd have a life I wasn't sure about. I'd have a life that challenged only that version of me.
I am the father of a teenage daughter about to enter college, a Phlebotomist, happily married, currently Cancer-free, and a college student myself. With all the nonsense I went through, and put myself through, I am now finding comfort with my life.
I don't look back with anger or negativity, feel bad for myself or seek sympathy. I do, however, have regrets. Regret in that I had forsaken my family to follow a path I should’ve avoided. That I didn't listen to my parents the way I should have.
But I do not allow those regrets to hinder nor harm me. Yes I have them, but it doesn't mean that I can't continue living. I find it interesting that the common consensus has been "don't live with regrets." I don't. I live with knowledge, a few scars, both internal and external, a little bit of wisdom and a desire to improve my life by improving my mind.
I'm proud to say that my mistakes and experiences made me the man I am today. I know better now, and will know even more once I have my diploma in hand.
