"Good morning, campers! Today's lunch has been cancelled due to 'lack of hustle'... deal with it!"

Heavyweights, everybody. A film that, in spirit (not really), tells the story of where Coach Gordon Bombay sends his overweight Mighty Ducks during the summer, in hopes to get them in shape for the upcoming season.

Heavyweights; the story of Global Gym's White Goodman (not really) before he opted to help run his mighty Cobra's against the Average Joe's in the annual Vegas Dodge ball tournament.

Heavyweights; the tale of... about... which is... shit, i'm out of bullets.

Let's just get this ball rolling...

Heavyweights, the 1995 Disney comedy about a group of overweight children (all boys), who expect to spend the Summer at the fun and exciting Camp Hope! A place where boys can lose weight the fun way, thanks to a plethora of fun counselors, cute new nurses, and two legendary camp owners that have provided many campers pre-existing memories of what Camp Hope is supposed to be. However, once they sell the camp to Tony Perkis (Ben Stiller), a young fitness guru who hopes to turn this once beloved camp into one, giant hit infomercial (at the expense of this summers campers), the young boys of Camp Hope must stand up to Perkis, and regain the once beloved reputation of Camp Hope.

So, why remake this film? For one, it can serve as a GREAT message for young kids who struggle with being overweight. Equally, it is simply a great, family fun film that keeps the laughs going at an almost unfair level. Seriously, this movie is as funny as any movie you will see, and it STILL holds up!

However, with all of the great talent out there, I think that this would be a great time to explore new boundaries at Camp Hope, perhaps by pushing a pg-13 envelope (as opposed to the original pg rating), while also rekindling a small amount of that magic from the original film as well.

Let's do this, y'all! Here is my new cast for a pg-13 remake of Heavyweights.

(Note: I do not cast children; I simply do not have enough actors in mind)

Tony Perkis- Bradley Cooper

Tony Perkis is a character that flips a switch very often. He can be charming when the cameras are rolling, furious when his weight loss program is failing, and even evil when he realizes he is losing control of his own camp... "which I bought!"

Cooper is intense, which is perhaps the most important characteristic that needs to be considered when casting Pekis, who was brilliantly played by Ben Stiller in the original. (Yes, "brilliant" and "Stiller" in the same sentence).

The character anchors the film, so we will need a heavy hitter like Cooper at bat to kick off this great comedy!

Pat Finely- Kevin James

Opposite of Perkis, Pat Finely is our inspiration (besides the children) for this film. He goes to bat for them when their voices simply aren't loud enough to take on the antics of Perkis and his "Perkisizing" program. Finely, a former camper and now legacy Camp Hope counselor, who too suffers from being overweight, provides the humanity for this project. He can empathize with the campers, because he was once one of them.

James is like a teddy bear, and so is Pat. James will be responsible, really, for the only scenes that break from constant laughter, and that really dive deep into the rooted issues of childhood struggles of not only being overweight, but also in lacking self confidence.

Tim- Paul Rudd

Another former "chubby" counselor, who ended up losing a ton of weight between seasons, Tim is our fun-loving freak who ultimately helps Pat in his mission to bring down Tony, along with Nurse Julie, and the actual campers themselves.

Really, I just think it would be comic gold to see Rudd in male Daisy Duke jeans, dancing to Love Machine. Besides, Rudd could literally be in ANYTHING and I would see it. The guy is magnetic; and the setting for this film would give him a fun opportunity for lots of physical comedy, too!

Nurse Julie- Margot Robbie

The new camp nurse, who seems to have ALL eyes fixated on her (counselors AND campers alike), Julie only really eyes for one man in Pat, as his determination to help the campers not only melts her heart, but also shines lights on ideas regarding fitness that perhaps she too was missing.

Robbie has never really had the chance yet to show off her comic chops; maybe she, while extremely talented, simply does not have them? This film would be a great chance for her to be hot great in something else!

Lars- Benedict Cumberbatch

Lars... Tony Perkis' right hand man, who is not only odd in his methods, but odd in his... well... everything else.

This clip says more about the essence of Lars than anything I ever could write.

(This is Cumberbatch's 3rd appearance on the Remake Column! Two more and we will have a party!)

The Bushkins- Larry David and Diane Keaton

OG/Longtime owners of Camp Hope play a small role; however, in their short appearance, we must be able to adore this couple as much as the campers have. This way, we will truly miss their presence with the arrival of Perkis and his team.

Kenny the Cameraman- Jay Baruchel

This is an easy one. Jay has one of the best male "RBF's" in Hollywood; and an ALWAYS pissed of Kenny the cameraman suits this skill set well. "Hey! Have you seen Tony? I hate that guy!"

Camp MVP Director- Bryan Cranston

Camp MVP, which resides across the lake from Camp Hope, focuses on the achievements of the athletically inclined, all which accumulates at the end of summer when Camp MVP faces Camp Hope in the annual Apache relays!

Cranston would serve as a fun cameo, as he can easily match wits with anybody from Camp Hope, while also laughing off the campers that consider themselves "in shape".

Camp Hope representative/recruiter- Ben Stiller

Have to pay ode to the original, right?

"Now that's not kind, Jerry..."

... These things tend to putter out towards the end, don't they? I need time to think about this...