Learning how to properly apologize is not something we consciously think about. Nowadays, saying "I'm sorry" is exactly just that: a mouthful of vacant syllables that we've programmed ourselves to say as a last resort. Apologies seemed to have lost their true meaning. Throughout the years, however, I have learned that apologizing is more than reciting words. I have learned that it is an art that requires a sense of humility, an intentional and pure mindset, and a patient heart.
1. Apologizing is about accepting and admitting responsibility.
Apologizing for your wrongdoings is explicitly saying "I'm sorry I...." not "I"m sorry he..." or "I'm sorry you..." It is admitting your own wrongs and claiming them as your own. It is not appropriate to shift blame or come up with excuses. It requires no justification. As the first and most crucial step, it is extremely important to note how your words or actions can affect others in a negative way, even when that was not your intention at all.
2. Don't apologize just for the sake of apologizing.
For the longest time, this was something I was very much guilty of doing. I hate the idea of being in a fight with those I care about. I went from a little girl who refused to swallow her pride to one who would apologize just to end a conflict. I would say "I'm sorry" just so we could move over whatever obstacle was blocking our friendship, without truly knowing what I was apologizing for. It took a while, but I finally realized that it wasn't enough to just say the words if I didn't know the why behind it. Even if your intentions to apologizing are pure, it's important to know what you're apologizing for so that you don't repeat whatever it is that you did.
3. Don't undermine the reaction of those you have wronged.
Undermining the reaction of the person you have wronged is essentially throwing more fuel into the fire. It is the quickest way for the problem to escalate more than it needs to. Don't tell the other person to "calm down." Don't tell them that they're "overacting." They are entitled to their emotions just as much as you are entitled to yours. Just because their reaction does not match up with yours doesn't mean they are wrong.
4. The person you're apologizing to is not obliged to forgive you.
Saying you're sorry does not guarantee that all is well. It does not mean the individual on the other end is indebted to you. It is not an "I scratch your back, you forgive me that I messed up" scenario. Apologizing does not take away the hurt. It may not even mitigate the hurt and you have to realize that.
5. Don't neglect the lesson of the apology.
The purpose of an apology is not only to acknowledge your wrongs, but it also serves as a promise that whatever you did will not happen again. What good is an apology if you keep repeating the same mistake day after day? It is important to keep your ears open.
