I am a person who enjoys self-reflection to the point where it's almost maddening. When I look back at myself, I feel like I'm looking back on an entirely different person, a stranger that I vaguely recall as someone I may have passed by on the street maybe. The little girl I used to be was much more bubbly, outgoing and braver than I am now. She knew just what to do to make friends. Somewhere along the path of growing up, she got lost and took that knowledge with her it seems.

It's such a simple concept. We did it all the time when we were younger, and as we grew, we lost some friends and made new ones.

So, why is it suddenly such a weird and difficult thing to do now that I've reached college?

Maybe it's because, as I've grown, I've become much more concerned with how other people think of me. Maybe it's because, as I've grown, I've developed an anxiety that can cripple me. Maybe it's because, as I've grown, I've just grown accustomed to being surrounded by people I've known for years.

I just...as I look back on my life, I can't remember the last time I actually made a friend on my own. The last time that may have happened was sometime in early elementary school. But since then, someone has dragged me into their friend group and adopted me as one of their own. It's been pretty disorienting coming to this realization that I've forgotten how to make friends.

It would have been an easier task while in high school. You see those people every day in probably the majority of your classes. That's not always the case in college. Sure, you might make "friends" in some of your various classes but that's likely to be the only time you see them unless one of you go out of your way to meet up for something or another, which can be easier said than done for a number of people.

I'd like to believe that I could relearn the art of making friends and that it'd be like riding a bike, but I know myself better than that. I have trouble taking the initiative and have become accustomed to this desire to have people like me. I don't want to upset someone because I want people to like me. In this effort of trying to make sure that people like me, parts of myself get lost as I tiptoe around and learn how to present myself to this person/group.

I end up walking around my campus by myself unsure of how to approach anyone I recognize from my classes or my dorm building. My free time ends up being just me, on my own, in my dorm room with Netflix, homework and the crushing weight of isolation all because I can't bring myself to reach out to anyone to hang out.

My feeling of loneliness while in college is entirely my own (and my anxiety's) fault but making friends in college is hard. You don't see these people outside of class unless you reach out or just happen to run into each other on campus (which, depending on campus size, probably isn't likely), and clashing class schedules make it even more difficult for meet-ups and hang-outs. There's also the fact that, as a freshman, I'm completely new to campus. I know how to get to my classes, Starbucks, the dining areas and my dorm. I wouldn't even know where to go to hang out with a person.

Maybe it'll get easier the longer I'm here and do a little more figuring out about myself and the campus. I certainly hope it does.