As the semester has come to an end with everyone excitedly packing their bags to go home for the holidays; I've found they can't stop talking about all the traditions they have. From the Christmas bake-offs, the family photos, to the new year's countdown, and wearing matching pajamas on Christmas morning; my ears are filled with these peoples memories and I can't help but feel some sadness sink into my heart.
I love hearing all these wonderful stories about other people's families; about all the good memories they've had throughout Christmas's past and of the ones they'll likely form this year. There's this sting though... Because listening to them share the traditions and cheer they experience with their own families brings to mind what I've craved ever since I was a little girl- a holiday season that's filled with similar happy memories with my family. As my bags are loaded into the car, I start my drive home to the dysfunctional family and broken place I have called home. That sense of hope starts to fill me once again, the same hope I have each year, praying that this year will be different, that maybe just maybe that longing of a 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year' with my family will finally happen.
Living in a home filled with constant fighting, abuse, and overall hurt has been hard especially during the holiday season, and I know I'm not alone when it comes to this.
Over the years I have come to accept that Christmas and New Year's will never play out in the way I would hope and anticipate. But through these years I've also learned that even though you may come from a broken family, that doesn't make YOU broken, it doesn't mean that you can't have the most wonderful time of the year.
Clinging to my faith in the Lord, He has never failed me, He has always revealed to me the true reasons for being joyful during this time. He shows me the joy that is found in Him, and happiness through the other people He has allowed to be a part of my life. He has blessed me greatly with friends and intentional relationships that formed over the years with people who have become family; who always welcome me with open arms and make me feel apart of something greater.
His peace and love wrap around me like the warm blanket I bundle up on those cold December nights. The nights where I sit outside looking up at the Heavens, simply in awe of the glorious night skies that He has gifted to us to enjoy. I sit in solitude listening to beautiful Christmas songs about the coming of a little baby that came to save humanity. It's in these moments where I'm able to forget about the hurt that sits inside that house, the scaring words that linger within the walls. In these moments I'm able to truly embrace this season and really have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. And it's because of the love the Lord shows me, because of the truth He reveals to me, and because of the people He has placed within my life, that though not by blood, are truly my family.
I still have that deep desire and never failing hope that maybe one day it'll be different, a hope that I feel is okay to hang onto whether it happens or not. And I believe that this little spark of hope is a beautiful thing, it shows you're not going to give up on your family despite all you've been through with them. It reveals that you believe anything can be restored. And I believe and know the Lord can restore anything and make it new again, it's just whether or not it should be, and that's where the faith and trust in His greater plan comes in. Where we have to let go and let Him.
Yes I come from a broken home. Yes I come from a dysfunctional family. And yes it is possible to have an amazing Holiday season despite it. It's when you turn your eyes to the truths, to the people who love you and lift you up, when you open your heart to experience the love of the One in which we're celebrating, I promise you that your Christmas will be different than the years past.
Merry Christmas and much love,
Sarah
