We’ve all been there. You’re in your late teens or early twenties. You’re living in the second floor shitty apartment and/or dorm room you call home. It’s seven o’clock on a Friday night at the end of an abnormally tough week, and all you want to do is sleep.

But then you hear a loud, constant pounding that makes everything in your immediate vicinity shake uncontrollably.

Yet Hark ye! And fear not! That’s no earthquake. That’s just the weekly (or bi-monthly) party of whatever sport happens to be living below you.

And here’s how you can sleep through as many of them as you need to.

First, you must accumulate an unpay-backable amount of sleep debt. Chances are, you probably already have this, or something comparable. If not, consider investing in a few all-nighters. The quickest way to invest in all-nighters is to slip them consistently into your routine. Kudos to you if you have multiple all-nighters in a row (especially those magical 36 hour days, am I right?). But the important thing about an investment is that you really care about it. That means putting the energy into creating your all-nighter situations over an extended period of time (anything from a few weeks to few months, even a few years would do nicely). This way, no matter what unjustified stimulus may be annoying you at the moment, at least your body is only a few lingering moments away from the blissful haven that is sleep.

But the art of sleeping is not solely about the body. Often, what really keeps people awake at night is the mind. That’s why the next step is so crucial to the process. Because, in reality, the source of the stress, the annoyance that prevents you from sleeping is not the objective factors of how loud someone can blast Green Day and Nicki Minaj in the same ten minutes. It’s how your mind reacts to Green Day and Nicki Minaj being played at full blast in the same ten minutes. And in that is the source of your power. In that is where you can truly attain self-mastery; become a real samurai of sleep.

If you think about it, what can you really do? You can call the cops, which might make the party stop for the ten minutes the cops come by and give the hosts a small warning. But if they ever figured out it was you that called the cops, then you’d have to deal with a bunch of pissed-off guys who work out, play sports, and routinely get drunk. It goes without saying that you don’t want somebody like that being mad at you. Besides, there are plenty of other neighbors that will call the cops and/or threaten the party hosters themselves way before you come into the picture (Disclaimer: the author of this article does not endorse or condone the threats of physical violence against apartment tenants by their neighbors for noise violations).

And in the end, you can’t really control people, you know? Like, you can’t make anybody else do anything for you. Sure, you can influence people enough that they do things you want them to do, especially if they’re disoriented and you’re a bossy control freak. But it’s their choice, whether you like it or not.

I mean, you could torture somebody until you’ve brainwashed them into being your mind-slave. But it’s not easy. And it doesn’t mean you should (Disclaimer: the author of this article also does not endorse or condone torturing somebody until you’ve brainwashed them into being your mind-slave).

So take some deep breaths: into your nose, out your mouth, or into your mouth, out your nose, whichever one feels better. Focus on your sense of sight and touch. Imagine the dullest or most pleasant thing your mind wants to. Maybe it’s baby bunnies. Maybe it’s raptors. Maybe it’s baby raptor bunnies. I don’t know. I don’t know your mind.

Try to make up a little story to tell to yourself. Or just try to make one image stick in your mind. Maybe all the bunnies in bunnyland are having a swimming competition, but they can’t decide how many carrots the prize should be worth. Or maybe all the raptor bunnies have run out of tarantulas to munch on and are forced to become vegan. Maybe the weirdness of a raptor bunny is something your mind could be soothed by as it contemplates the existence of such a creature for hours on end. Whatever you imagine, be aware that it might take some time before it starts to truly work for you.

Of course, any process worth its weight requires trial and error. So if that doesn’t work for you at first, maybe all you need is some earbuds plugged into your phone and Youtube (If I were you, I’d listen to Heaney reading his translation of Beowulf. His voice is almost as easy to listen to as Patrick Stewart’s).

And if even that doesn’t work, well, then you’ve got no choice. The only thing you can do is go downstairs and drink free cheap beer, take shots of awful quality vodka, and play King’s Cup until you collapse on the floor or until you have just enough energy to go upstairs and collapse on your own damn floor. You’d probably get fewer unsubtle references to "Moby Dick" drawn on your forehead that way too. Probably.

If you happen to take that route, be sure to ask every random stranger what the most exciting thing they did that week was. You’d be surprised at what you’d hear.

Good luck to you all! And to all a good night!

P.S. If any part of this offends you, IT’S SATIRE. If it doesn’t, well, then, I guess it isn’t?