I sometimes try to envision a world where coming out as LGBTQIA+ is unnecessary, and I honestly can’t imagine that world. Yes, we as a community have more “rights” because of marriage equality. But we still live in a heteronormative world where heterosexual relationships are the norm, they are the ones most represented in media, they are that which we base every other relationship on. The heterosexual, monogamous relationship is a neutral norm, and everything outside of those bounds are somehow different, eccentric, unique, twisted, a choice, or whatever else you can imagine to call it.
The process of coming out isn’t about attention, and it isn’t an outdated practice. Coming out is still important. It is an act of resistance where you acknowledge, however publically you choose, to set yourself apart from the heteronormative system of love and relationships. And even though coming out is a practice of self-authenticity, it is still political, even if you don’t want it to be. It is still subversive. You make a statement about who you are in the world, and you set yourself apart. We still live in a world where coming out is a direct act of categorizing yourself outside of the heteronormative world we are trained, forced, and groomed to engage in.
I wish coming out wasn’t necessary, that if you dated only women or only men, or you didn’t live on the nonexistent gender binary it would be accepted without question. That these variances of who we are as human beings are not treated as markers of difference to separate and segregate. But that isn’t the world we live in. In order to survive, we either fake a life of heteronormativity, or we come out as who we are. And both choices are valid based on life circumstances and situations. I get it. And I stand with those who choose not to come out because the risk is too high. I am here. We are here when you are ready.
There is still beauty in coming out. The process of coming out, the process of claiming who you are in the world, is so liberating. It frees you to imagine a life that you really want, you can begin to imagine a future that you actually want to see. You begin to explore yourself and the world in a whole different light. Coming out is beautiful. But the degree to which a person comes out, the impact on their lives will vary from person to person. Some risk emotional and physical violence. Which is one of the many reasons only the individual can and should out themselves, no one else has that right.
Coming out, even now, is still important. In coming out we are not only telling the heternomative world we live in that we exist, but we open ourselves up to a new part of the world. With each coming out story and process, it becomes easier for the next person. Those of us who identify somewhere in the LGBTQIA+ acronym are everywhere, and everyone knows someone that identifies with some part of the rainbow. When we come out, it is not only a liberating act of resistance, but it is also a point of solidarity. And coming out is a continuous process, that can go on for years. I have been out for two and a half years and I am still finding moments in life that I have to still come out. When we come out, either for the first time or the one-thousandth time, we are changing the fabric of what it means to be a human being, slowly but surely. Coming out is still important.
Coming out, however, is not always a beautiful process. For me, it took nearly 23 years. And when I listened to Ellen Page’s speech that she gave to the HRC something clicked. For 22 plus years I didn’t understand really who I was and what I wanted in life. There was eventually a point where I decided I didn’t want to get married or have a family, because I thought the only option for me was to have a husband, and deep down that was everything I did not want. When I came out, when I finally got and discovered that part of myself, I felt free. I understood what my closet looked like because I had left it. I understood the world differently because I was learning who I was always meant to be. But even with what I gained in the process, I still lost. I lost relationships that were damaging. I lost friends, and yes friends that I let go of first, because they couldn’t accept me for who I was. I lost some of the hopes for my future because I began to learn that when people say they love you, that doesn’t mean they will be there to celebrate the best parts of your life. I lost that comfort in knowing that I could freely hold the hand of a partner anywhere in the world. But those losses, are nothing compared to the life and self worth that I gained.
When you come out, the most important person you are coming out to is yourself. You are accepting who you are for everything that you are. October 11th is apparently Coming Out Day, and let it remind us as a society what it means to come out both internally and publically. And for anyone of the cusp of coming out – we are here for you. We understand those mixed feelings of fear and desperation. We get it. Come out when you are ready and feel safe. But we can tell you, coming out is astronomically better than existing in the darkness of your closet. And if you lose some of the most important people in your life because you are living your truth, know we are there for you. We are your family. You, my dear, beautiful, perfect soul, are not alone.
