The nominees for the 2016 Academy Awards were announced Thursday morning. When I asked my editor in advance of the announcement if I could cover them, I was hopeful that, unlike most years, I would have seen the nominated movies. I had seen The Martian and Mad Max: Fury Road, and my informed friends told me they were getting some buzz. Maybe the other nominees would be popular movies as well.
They were not. So here are the nominees for the Oscars judged by someone who has only seen two of them.
Ang Lee and Guillermo Del Toro, announcing the Oscar nominees, wondering where it all went wrong.
Best Picture
The Big Short
Bridge of Spies
Brooklyn
Mad Max: Fury Road
The Martian
The Revenant
Room
Spotlight
Both "Mad Max" and "The Martian" were fun movies. There's no way they'll win. Therefore, the next most worthy nominee is "The Big Short," a movie which reevaluates and redefines our perceptions of penis size. Big, short, what do these things really mean? Chris Rock will surely tell us in his monologue.
Best Actress
Cate Blanchett, Carol
Brie Larson, Room
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years
Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
Would you look at these freaking movie titles? Taken together they sound like the description for the opening scene of a play. "Carol, 45 Years, In a Room in Brooklyn, feels Joy." Yikes. Anyway, Saoirse Ronan should win purely because her name is fun to say and more people need to learn to say Irish names.
Best Actor
Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
Matt Damon, The Martian
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs
Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl
I saw "The Martian," so I doubt Matt Damon will win. I hope Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't win, because I love the internet rage whenever he loses his trophy. Bryan Cranston should win here. If TV star Bryan Cranston can win the most prestigious movie award, it proves there is some upward mobility left in America.
Best Supporting Actress
Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight
Rooney Mara, Carol
Rachel McAdams, Spotlight
Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl
Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Only two of these women have sufficiently interesting names to win this Oscar. While the name Vikander sounds almost metal enough to deserve the gold statue, Alicia is fairly plain. Meanwhile, Rooney Mara has had to suffer her whole life with the name Rooney. She needs an Oscar more than these other happy, conventionally-named people.
Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale, The Big Short
Tom Hardy, The Revenant
Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight
Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
Sylvester Stallone, Creed
In the "Best Supporting Actor" category, four of the nominees are A-list stars. Only Mark Rylance truly has the indistinguishable qualities of a supporting actor, the right mix of "Haven't I seen him in something else?" and "oh yeah, he's the guy from that thing".
Best Director
The Big Short, Adam McKay
Mad Max: Fury Road, George Miller
The Revenant, Alejandro G. Iñárritu
Room, Lenny Abrahamson
Spotlight, Tom McCarthy
This is a tricky one to judge. I will go with Adam McKay since it is slightly more ridiculous, and therefore wonderful, for the director of "Land of the Lost" and "Anchorman" to win than it is for George Miller, director of the "Mad Max" franchise and "Babe: Pig In The City."
Best Adapted Screenplay
The Big Short, Charles Randolph and Adam McKay
Brooklyn, Nick Hornby
Carol, Phyllis Nagy
The Martian, Drew Goddard
Room, Emma Donoghue
I disagree with the very premise of this award. Not a single screenplay here has adapted to anything or shown any signs of evolution. Now, if a screenplay were to grow gills, wings, or an ability to camouflage themselves, then I could see the use of this award. But then we'd get into debates over whether the screenplay adapted by itself over millions of years, or whether some mysterious, unknowable creator designed its adaptation with purpose. Personally, I think it's better to move on.
Best Original Screenplay
Bridge of Spies, Matt Charman and Ethan Coen & Joel Coen
Ex Machina, Alex Garland
Inside Out, Pete Docter, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley; Original story by Pete Docter, Ronnie del Carmen
Spotlight, Josh Singer & Tom McCarthy
Straight Outta Compton, Jonathan Herman and Andrea Berloff; Story by S. Leigh Savidge & Alan Wenkus and Andrea Berloff
Alex Garland needs to win this award. One, I actually saw, "Ex Machina," and it was amazing. Two, it seems like Alex Garland doesn't have any friends. Compare his lonely solo nomination with the other duos and group nominees. Clearly someone needs a small golden friend to talk to about robot stories.
Best Animated Feature
Anomalisa
Boy and the World
Inside Out
Shaun the Sheep Movie
When Marnie Was There
Both "Anomalisa" and "Inside Out" are great animated films for very different audiences, both in their own way deserving of an Academy Award. But I believe there would be little in this world more sweet than if an awards show announcer, dressed in an extravagant, expensive dress or tuxedo, had to say the name Shaun the Sheep Movie.
These are all the important Oscar categories and nominees. Well yes, there are other boring categories not included above. The deserving winners of these unmentioned categories are whoever will make the longest speeches so we can all take a bathroom break and check our phones.
(Thanks to EW.com for providing the list of Oscar nominees.)
