I think the worst feeling in the world is texting you and knowing I won't get that response back from you. Knowing that you were supposed to live until you were 90. We were supposed to take shots at each other's weddings. To hold each other's children. We were supposed to laugh at family barbeques together. Yet you left. You didn't mean to leave. You didn't purposely leave. But it was time for God to take you. But how come I never even got to say goodbye? When both your best friends pass away it leaves an empty pit in your heart. A void that can never be filled.
We were supposed to laugh and cry. We were supposed to go snowboarding one more time. We were supposed to go to the beach. We had these plans. Yet it never happened. This is not fair. It is not fair that I will never hear you both laugh. I will never sing in the car on the way home. I will never hear your voice again. I will never get my one last hug and goodbye.
I regret everything. I regret not reaching out sooner. I regret not saying sorry for not reaching out and making sure you knew I loved you. I regret not making plans before you died. I regret not making you two proud. I regret not saying goodbye.
I try so hard not to be filled with hatred and anger. But to be filled with joy and happiness. That I got to have the two best friends a girl could ask for. Colton, you made me laugh for years. You brought me out of the darkest holes. You never hesitated to take my hand and pull me out of the sad state that I was in. You held me in some of my darkest days. You made sure I would smile before I closed my eyes at night. You made sure I was always on track with what I was doing. You made sure I was okay. I know every day you make sure you are with me. You might not be here physically but you are here. Holding my hand through the darkest days, the saddest times, most importantly the happiest moments of my life. You are there.
Collin words will never describe my feelings for you. I never knew what love was until you came into my life. I never thought that you would be the one to go before me. I held onto hope that our time would've come. I know it was impossible but I hoped. I was more grateful for the relationship and bond we created the last 7 years. You made me feel beautiful in my ugliest moments. When I thought I shouldn't continue you gave me a reason to never give up. When I wanted to quit the military you said: "That's how it will be for a while and pushing through is worth it believe me." I will forever hear your voice in the back of my head as I struggle. As times go by I miss you every day. I miss your voice, your hugs, your advice. I miss you, Collin. You gave me hope every day. You helped me through the darkest of my days. You talked me down when I was crying because of a boy or because I missed my dad. You talked me through the school days when I couldn't walk down the hallway because of the anxiety. You helped me. I wish I could've helped you.
My heart breaks as I think of you. My heart breaks that you never got your chance. You deserved to change the world. You deserved that. But I am trying. I am trying to be half the people you two were. To be the strong people that you both were. To help others. To be kind and to be brave. I am trying to change the world because you did not get that chance. I am trying to be like you two. Collin, you were brave you never let anything scare you. You never let anything get in your way. You told it how it was it didn't matter whose feelings got hurt, you told your opinion. Colton, you had the kindest heart. You would help anyone in need. You did not mind to give that hug or lose your sleep if it meant your friends would be okay. I will try to be more like you two. To be kinder, stronger, braver and tougher. I wish the world got to know more of you two. That more people got to meet you. I wish the world didn't lose two of the best people I ever met. I wish I didn't lose my two best friends it just is not fair.