Look, I detest Donald Trump just as much as the next non-racist, but that doesn’t mean we should plug our ears and scream when the dumpster-fire that is the Trump Campaign makes a genuinely valid point. Of course, this doesn’t happen very often, but over the past three debates I have seen Mr. Trump consistently make one very valid point: we need to bring back Law & Order.
I’m serious, that TV show was awesome. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve spent watching the series’ signature blend of police drama and court proceedings. Sure, it had its flaws, but even when NBC canceled Law & Order in 2010 it was still pulling in over 7 million viewers each episode. It won the 1997 Emmy for best drama, earned Sam Waterston and Jerry Orbach Screen Actors Guild Awards and was ranked as the 14th best show of all time by TV Guide. And yeah, I know NBC is basically broke and can’t really afford to bring back a show like Law & Order, but surely they can just ask Comcast, their parent company, for a small loan of, say, one million dollars to get started on the project. Easy.
Law & Order was a smash hit with the critics, but that’s nothing compared to the memorable moments it gave us fans. Who can forget when Van Buren beat cervical cancer and got engaged, or when Green stopped that murderer who killed people over stolen leather jackets? Classic. Plus, that theme song. “In the Criminal Justice System the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The police who investigate crime and the District Attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. DUN DUN!”
Now, bringing back such a beloved TV show would be no easy job. Luckily, the self-proclaimed master of business will be more than up to the task of handling these complex negotiations, as he demonstrated in his 1987 best-seller “The Art of the Deal” (interesting side note about that book: it actually contained four chapter 11’s). Plus, Donald has spent the majority of his professional career pretending to fire celebrities on NBC (while less-qualified candidates were wasting their time working as Senators or Secretary of State), so he clearly has an in with their human resources department and can talk to them about contracts and whatnot. Hell, Donald has even been involved in over 3,500 lawsuits, so he can cut costs by writing the courtroom half of the episodes himself.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Sam, sure bringing back Law & Order sounds like a good idea, but how would it make money? Well, dear reader, here we see the true genius of The Donald at work. Think about it; bringing back a show as addicting as Law & Order will undoubtedly cause viewers to stay in watching the show, as opposed to going out and meeting people. Thus, Law & Order will create a whole new generation of preverbal ‘cat-ladies.’ And where will this new wave of spinsters get their feline friends? The US Government, of course. Donald Trump has clearly spent the last thirty years just walking around grabbing cats (I assume that’s what he was talking about on that bus), so he can just sell those cats when he gets elected President. Problem solved.
It’s time, fellow Americans. Let’s make 10pm on Tuesday’s great again.
