I know. I know too well what you are feeling, or what you aren't feeling because clearly, you're still with them.

I know that you may not have told anyone that it happened because you can hear what they'd already say in your head 100 times over again, "you're better than this," "they don't deserve you," "Dump them." I know, okay? I know how hard you are struggling to keep your head above the water - floating in an ocean of your own pain, fears, and ultimately your tears.

That's the thing about being in a relationship. You don't expect the person you care about most to do something like that to you. You don't expect that they would have so little respect for you as an individual that they would ignore their actions having an effect on you or your life. I know. I know too well who this person is. I also know too well who they were once too because... fuck, they weren't always this way.

You will tell yourself this over and over again, until you believe it. I know you will. You will rationalize and offer up reasons for why it happened and assure yourself that it couldn't possibly happen again because they apologized and said they wouldn't... right? Of course, this was after either an anger-filled or tear-filled conversation that you both had regarding what they've done and how it's affecting you and their relationship. You may have even had both simultaneously because that's how much of a hot mess you feel.

Deep down, do you really believe they won't cheat on you again? Or is that something we delude ourselves with in hopes of seeing the good in them? To believe they wouldn't lie or cheat on us again? What's that saying about being a fool? Fool me once, shame on you - Fool me twice, shame... on me.

Suddenly the paranoia sets in - always thinking to yourself "well, what are you doing? who are you talking to? who are you with?" The anxiety overtakes your heart and suddenly you can't breathe. The entire world is crushing in on you. You picture them with someone else, someone that isn't you, and it's in bold colors as if it's happening before your very eyes.

Nothing makes sense and you want to die or vomit. Perhaps both. You can't breathe, don't want to cry because there are probably people around, but they're teetering on the surface. The sobs are ready to escape, but you're trying so hard to tell yourself that everything is ok.

Push it down, pretend it didn't happen or it doesn't exist and everything will be fine... but will it? Will we continue to tightrope across the "grey" areas?

Come to think of it, you're doing that very thing right now. Trying to push the thoughts aside that someone else has shared your love, whether knowingly or not. Maybe you're talking yourself into this divot of common humanality. One cannot be a person if we are unable to make mistakes, but how many times will you allow the same decision, the same "mistake" to happen before you realize your own insanity?

So yes, I know why you're still with them... you love them. You love them so much that it hurts. You want to support them and be there for them in any and all ways that you can because that's who you are... but at what cost? Are you selling yourself for the love of someone else? Are you becoming the very thing you said you would never be? Are you raising your arms in defeat?

I know you.

I know why you're still with them.

I know why you are feeling the way that you feel.

I was right there too.

And I am so sorry.

Sorry that being honest was too hard for them. That being true and real was too much of a burden for them to bear. I am sorry that they hurt you. You are worthy of more, more than the lies and deceit. More than the late nights where you can't sleep or the unwanted sobbing that comes from thin air. The anxiety tiger, standing proudly on your chest - stopping your lungs from gaining sweet oxygen. I know you can't breathe with all of this, but you are worthy of more.

You are worthy of something greater than what they want to give you, or what have chosen to give away. Remember that you need to do what's best for you as an individual... even if they have harmed you, even if they have broken the very fabrics of your being. You need to do what you believe is best for you - the show must always go on.

This is still your choice, walk away and stand strong or do what we both know you're already doing. Make the situation your own - be resilient, but also know your limits. You are worth that much and more. You deserve the truth and goodness.

Fight for yourself - fight for your truths.