Doing just about anything with anxiety is challenging but I didn't expect to fall in love to be one of them. I could never imagine just how draining something so beautiful can be, the constant stress that you're not enough for them, that they'll find someone better. Someone skinnier, someone smarter, someone like her. Everything they do must be questioned, from taking too long in the shower, which of course can be them talking and sending things to other girls or changing their tone ever so slightly, saying I love you a little less often. These things wouldn't bother just anyone but someone with anxiety can't just accept that things are alright, that they're calm and steady.
There has to be something.
There is always something to question, something to wonder about, intentions that simply cannot be good. They make you lose your breath with wonder but at the same time can make you hyperventilate over any slight change in touch or tone. It doesn't seem to matter how long you have known someone or how much they have "proved" themselves, you are always going to questions their intentions. So many days of keeping your mouth shut on things that bug at you because you just can't bear to be yelled at or accused of things yourself.
There is just so much that I couldn't have anticipated for falling in love, just when I think that I could feel normal enough for him I am reminded that, no you can't possibly be enough. Loving him has given me so much freedom but also has exposed many barriers I didn't know existed, never knowing when I'll say the wrong thing when he'll look toward me with disgust rather than adoration. Each comment is taken harshly no matter how gently delivered, telling me I am beautiful sounds like such a sweet little lie, one I no longer wish to hear.
These are my fears, my worries I live with all day while he knows nothing of it.
I have learned that I could, or my anxiety rather could make me believe just about anything. I have thought up the wildest things these days and all of those things must live in my head as I can no longer tell fact from fiction. I can no longer look at myself and say I may one day be worthy of his love because this eats at me 24/7.
This anxiety is hidden in my bones and I just can't seem to shake her. I hope she goes away soon.
"If I ever give up on you, understand how much that took out of me. I'm the type to give endless chances, always have your back even when you're wrong, and truly accept you for who you are. When the rest of the world doesn't want you, I will. So if I gave up on you, understand it took EVERYTHING I had left inside of me to leave you…Because I love you, and I care about you, there isn't anything on the planet I wouldn't do for you."
This quote epitomizes how I love him despite my anxiety telling me not to.