As a resident of a small suburban town with virtually nothing to do, the 40-minute ride on the Long Island Rail Road into Manhattan is certainly a convenience. However, this is not an innocent journey. It is a battle of good versus evil, or more specifically: Respectful Riders versus Disrespectful Riders. And with a stop every few minutes, each side waxes and wanes, a fight never won, only paused by the regular work schedule.
Respectful Riders are like a glass of water on a hot day in August: refreshing. They are quiet, except for some friendly chitchat with the conductor about the game last night. When a Respectful Rider enters the train, they go to a car that is not too full, sit down in one seat, maybe take out the paper or have a bite of a cookie. Respectful Riders are temperate, placid, quiescent. During the ride back to the suburbs, their goodness shines through their unthreatening body language and their focused gaze on their tablet, phone, or laptop.
All train riders claim to be Respectable Riders, but alas, there are few. Those who know to bring cough drops and tissues with them are limited, as are those who wait until they are home to break out the take out cartons. From riding the train many times, I have observed these riders in their state of calamity, and can observe that they, unlike most of us, do not need to switch seats every ten minutes. Rather, they remain in their seat for the duration of the ride, until they can see their respective station. A Respectful Rider is a white knight on the battlefield of the LIRR, and is wise on the subject of good, polite, train etiquette.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, there are those who seem to make it their mission to defile the train’s occupants. These are the Disrespectful Riders. However, these unruly riders can be broken up into many sects that help create an overarching definition of the term Disrespectful Riders.
The first case we must discuss are The Crotch Exposers. Whether it is from lack of circulation or an overwhelming desire to make those around them feel uncomfortable, the predominantly male Crotch Exposers take it upon themselves to spread their legs out wide, and in doing so prohibiting people to sit in the seats next to them. The next group of Disrespectful Riders is The Stinky Diners. These men and women are the ones who take out their dinner on the train and proceed to eat with slovenly relish. I have also noticed that the meals almost always include a lot of melted cheese, which can be smelled throughout the entire car.
We must address The Cell Phone Screamer, the person who evidently believes that their phone is from the 1870s, and that they must scream at the top of their lungs in order to have a conversation about the Yankees with the person on the other line. Observe the Cell Phone Screamers, and see how the other passengers surreptitiously shrink away, or increase the volume of their music. Lastly, we have The Creeper. The Creeper is rarer than the other types of Disrespectful Riders, but can be one of the most unpleasant. The Creeper will walk into a nearly empty car, and will sit as close to someone as possible, despite the plethora of empty seats. Occasionally, The Creeper will rest his or her head on that someone’s shoulder, if the opportunity presents itself. The Creepers and their other cronies fight against the good, pleasant passengers on the train, struggling to fill the cars with unnecessary noise, pungent odors, and a general sense of discomfort, and will probably succeed in creating a mass headache. For the good of humanity, for the well-being of Long Islanders, I urge you to learn your etiquette.
